life is what you make of it...

Lost Art of Common Courtesy

2010-12-27T13:03:00.001-08:00

It's something that's been niggling at the back of my mind for months. I finally have the time and desire to get it off my chest.

In the grand scheme of things, I would consider myself a fairly liberal person. I suppose some may not agree. I am not bothered by tattoos and piercings, but I do think derriere cleavage should be covered up (especially at work). I make my kids say "please" and "thank-you", but forget "sir" and "ma'am". I don't go around dropping the F-bomb, but I am not offended in the least if you do (nor do I think your IQ is lacking because you choose not to come up with another word in the English language).

However, I find that my peers have become to slack in common courtesy. For starter, passive aggressive innuendos on Facebook. While Facebook is a social network, you have probably friended your family and coworkers of which these subtle jabs are aimed at and to which one would relate to in a more formal way than a BFF. It does not take a genius to figure out who you are talking about. In the past it was considered rude to air your dirty laundry in public, now the realms of public feel blurry. FB is most definitely public (as indicated by the 500+ nearest and dearest you have friended). But, it seems harmless enough to write a sentence or two as a status update.

I also find the hospital a very unique habitat. It is a job, but it is intimate in a way most professional jobs will never be. You learn details about people that they would never consider telling their friends or family. On the one hand, I view my coworkers as colleagues. I share a professional relationship with them and would appreciate the same in return. When a nurse rants to me during report about how she can not believe that "they" aren't managing the patient's pain well or finds the patient's care provided by "them" unacceptable, I can't help but be a little hurt. It is said in a way to point the finger at the "medical team", but doesn't that include me? How is it that some healthcare workers find it so acceptable to bad mouth the other members of the team when they are just as responsible for ensuring good patient care. Or maybe I would just rather someone take the time to collaborate to understand why the plan is the way it is before judging my skills. I suppose this may be no different than other jobs where you complain about the boss, but I find it frustrating that there seems to be a lack of common courtesy/professionalism in this environment. Maybe I just need to accept that after you watch someone die together you assume the relationship has a deeper tie than just professional. That you need to freely express every emotion that comes to your head as a means to cope with the intensity.

Is it just me? Am I only only one who thinks everyone should follow the Golden Rule? A little tolerance? Maybe I am more conservative than I think. After all, I think it is important to have a good work ethic, to put your kids to bed early so that they can be rested and well-behaved, and to treat my fellow humans the same way I would like to be treated...with kindness, respect, and common courtesy.

Holiday Letter

2010-12-24T03:50:00.000-08:00

I didn't get around to writing a holiday letter this year. So, I'm going to post one here instead.

Let's start at the very beginning, shall we...

2010 started with me doing my nursing residency in the NICU at UVA. Let's just say juggling a breastfeeding 4 month old, a 4 year old, a 6 year old, a new job, and long hours left everyone a bit overwhelmed. Despite the stress of Brian still looking for a job during this time, it gave me great peace to know that the kids were at home with their daddy. Now that the year is coming to an end, I am proud of my accomplishments and love my job.

Bridget has shown her true personality. She loves to sleep and insists on doing things when she feels ready and not a moment sooner. We got our first glimpse when we tried to introduce the bottle. She fought it for two weeks, but eventually accepted her new reality. Then she decided to take her own sweet time learning to crawl. I think she was finally motivated around 9 months to pick her belly up off the ground and make a real effort. She still isn't walking, even though she's 15 months old, but she will when she's ready. I think it's because she sleeps 16 hours a day (and I certainly won't complain about that). She loves to giggle and is the most easy going, snuggly baby I've met. It's been a joy having her in our family.

Autumn and Abigail got to go to the beach with my in-laws this summer and spent lots of time at the pool. They just loved it. Abigail is learning to love the water (and get her face wet) and Autumn is full of enthusiasm. Neither are little fish in the water, but their excitement makes up for it.

Autumn started Pre-K and loves it. She has learned to write her name and is very excited to learn how to read. She is at such a fun age. She loves to help mom with chores and cooking and anything else to be more "grown up". She has made a great big sister to Bridget.

Abigail attended Irish Camp this summer and learned to dance, sing, play the tin whistle and speak some Celtic. It was fun seeing all of her accomplishments. She is an avid reader, currently devouring both the Ramona series and Diary of a Wimpy Kid. She is a die hard Star Wars fan and is beginning to assert herself as an independent individual. She's torn between wanting to just be a kid and play with dolls and wanting to have the right haircut and outfit. It has been fun to see her grow into a young lady this year.

Brian found work at a local magazine this fall. He jokes that at home he is surrounded by ladies and at the office he is surrounded by ladies. We definitely need to work on infusing some more testosterone into his life in the coming year. We are very thankful that he has steady employment. While this has meant lots of schedule and daycare juggling, these are definitely more ideal problems than not having work. Brian has been the best dad to our three little girls. On days that I work he gets the kids dressed and off to school, goes to work, picks the kids up, bathes them, feeds them, does homework and tucks them into bed. He wins the award for "Best Dad and Husband of the Year".

We know there are still many out there looking for work and losing their homes. We are very thankful to be ending 2010 on a high note. We have what we need, we have our health, we have each other and we have each of you to support us and fill our lives with happiness. May the new year bring each of you joy, health, and memories to last a lifetime.

Love, Brian, Kerri, Abigail, Autumn, and Bridget

Thank You, Brian

2010-11-21T18:14:00.000-08:00

I am writing from my brand spanking new Mac Book Pro. I am so excited. It's so pretty, it runs really fast, and it's all mine. I know Brian and I had discussed waiting until after the refi, but I am so happy we went ahead and bought it. I still need to figure out the keyboard shortcuts and a few other things, but WOO HOO for me.

On the Verge of Wellness

2010-11-20T11:35:00.000-08:00

I seems that since Brian started his job, it's been one illness after another around here. I will not complain about juggling of schedules or acquring of illness, since neither one would be an issue if he were unemployed.

We have encountered many happy milestones since Brian started work. Autumn has turned 5. I can not believe how growup my kids are getting. They are so sweet and fun. Bridget is crawling like a big girl and loves to give you kisses. Still no walking or talking, but she's plump and juicy and cuteness to die for. Abigail has become a really good reader. Devouring the Ramona series, Diary of a Wimpy kid, and acquiring quite an affinity for Mythbusters. Looks like we have a budding scientist on our hands.

At work I encounter people from a variety of backgrounds. This always helps me keep my families challenges in perspective. They may not have been easy, but they were conquerable. The best is yet to come.

I have been working off of PC that is on it's very last leg. The battery lasts all of 5 minutes, it takes eons to boot up, and something is eating up most of the memory. This makes me grumpy every time I sit down at it. But, this too will pass. After we close on our refinance this week, I will be in the market for a shiny new Mac. Hopefully that will have me blogging again in no time. Until then, I will leave you with a few pics.

We're Back Baby!!!!!

2010-08-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

Life is always busy. Let's face it, you think to yourself 'I'll get to that when things are less busy, back to normal', yet that moment never seems to arrive. That's because there is no such thing as normal, this is life. It's chaotic at times, emotional, and a lot fun. If you wait for it to slow down, you are going to miss the train altogether. So here is a quick list of what has been keeping me busy of late.

1) BRIAN GOT A JOB!!!!! I cried, I am ecstatic, I am overwhelmed and overjoyed. He is the editor at Ivy Publishing. For any of you locals keeping up, that's Albemarle Family Magazine and the C-ville Welcome Book. I can not describe how life changing this is for us. Probably just as life changing as the day we found he lost his job, but I much prefer the change for the better.

2) Bridget started daycare. :( Today was her first day. To her credit, she did really good for her first day away from us. She didn't cry, but she didn't eat or sleep either. When she saw me, she sobbed, jammed her thumb in her mouth and put her head of my shoulder. I don't think she would have let me go if she hadn't been so happy to see her crib at home.

3) Abigail starts 2nd grade in two days. She is nervous about the new teacher, new classmates, and the unexpected in general. I have no doubt she will be adjusted by the end of the week.

4) Autumn has started doing daycare all day. She was a little nervous about it (which seems silly since it's the same classroom she's been doing half days in for the last year). She's doing great and gets to move up to Pre-K in the next week or two.

5) My dad's heart gave out on him. He's got a pacemaker and defibrillator to help it along, plus a slew of meds. We're just happy that they were able to manage things for the time being.

6) It is annual review time on my unit. This requires self-evaluations and peer reviews. It also happens to be the same time my evidence-based practice project is due for my nursing residency program and my portfolio is due. I will likely be busy at work on all of it on Wednesday while the kids are at their respective schools.

7) I'm in party planning mode for Bridget's first birthday. I am too overwhelmed to do much more than a quiet family affair. I had grand plans of pairing the birthday party with a 'Brian has a job' celebration, but I think I will have to defer the latter to a time when I can really devote the time and energy it deserves.

8)We are going to hire someone to clean this house. I can not wait. Our house is tidy and clean, but it needs a good scour and I'm not up for it. I can not wait to hand over some hard earned dollars and get a sparkling shower and dust-free furniture out of it.

9)And in case you hadn't put two and two together, I don't have to work overtime anymore (unless I feel like it or want to buy myself something pretty). I can't wait to see what a normal schedule feels like.

My life is far from perfect, but if sure does feel pretty darn close. I feel like I've returned to the land of the living. We can entertain thoughts of new furniture or a new car. We can sign the kids up for dance classes and do all the things that "normal" families get to do. I feel like I've resurfaced and the air is so sweet. I am excited to see what this new phase of our life brings us. I am having a blast watching my kids grow up and am so proud of all that Brian has accomplished. I've got my family. What more do you need?

An Assortment

2010-07-06T10:11:00.000-07:00

It seems it's been so long since I've blogged that they've changed the sign in process. I couldn't get any of my go-to passwords to work. Had to completely reset them. Goodness. Guess I should be more bloggy.

I've started to get into the swing of summer. I've accepted that while I may not to be the one to do all the fun stuff with the kids (pesky job); the kids are having an awesome summer so far. Trips to the beach with Gramma and Grandpa, the local water park, BBQs, fireworks, library trips, swimming, picnics, park days, sprinkler fun, and ice cream. Really, as a kid, what more could you want.

Now that I'm off orientation, I've been working lots of hours. The overtime pay is pretty sweet and I'm really starting to feel pretty proficient at my job. At the very least, I know that I am an asset to the unit. Picking up short shifts, taking heavy assignments. I've still got lots to learn, but it is nice to settle in. I still don't feel like I belong on night shift. Maybe it's the bleary eyes or personal insecurities or maybe it's just because I don't like it. I don't have a choice about being a rotator right now, so I'm going to make the most of it. Weekend night pay!

Bridget is on the verge of crawling. I can not believe that my other two were walking by 10/11 months. Bridget is 10 months old and doesn't even crawl. Believe me, I'm enjoying this pace. The no teeth thing is weirding me out, too, though. They may all be girls, but they couldn't be more different.

Ok, I thought I would write more and have it be more cohesive, but the girls are being crazy monkeys and I don't get to see them enough as it is. I can't promise to blog again any time soon, so I hope you enjoy your summer! I know we will.

What Can You Do?

2010-06-10T10:50:00.001-07:00

I've not felt very bloggy lately. What can I say. My computer is abysmally slow, the battery last for 30 minutes before it dies and there just hasn't been much new to say. I'm kind of still hunkering down in survival mode. Getting used to the new job and juggling daily life. I've also been weepy because Bridget is weaning earlier than I had hoped. I've been struggling for a couple of months. She's eaten through all of the reserve milk and we started supplementing with formula. I know it' was a good 9 months and no one else cares, but I do. It makes me sad. I enjoyed it and, despite the stress, it was a way to keep doing something for her even when I was away at work. But, she had her 9 month appointment today and has plummeted on the growth charts. We've offered her bigger bottles and supplements and she has been refusing them the last few months. It looks like she's finally willing to up the volume this last week, but we'll have to check back in with the doc in a month or two to be sure it's stuck. I'm sure it's nothing, but still doesn't feel good to know that your kid didn't get any taller or put on much weight. As a baby, that's kind of your job. What else do you have to tackle besides eating, pooping, sleeping and growing.

I can not believe tomorrow is Abigail's last day of first grade. The year has simply flown by. She is getting to be so grown up. She has certainly acquired an entirely new wardrobe with all the newfound height. She's getting so big, I'm almost not strong enough to carry her anymore. She is awesome.

Autumn has been trying to get over a little cold the last few weeks. It just seems to be lingering. She and her big sister like to play school. Abby is currently teaching her the letters of the alphabet and math. It's really cute and handy to have a big sib encouraging her little sibling along.

Now if only I can get both of the girls to ride their bikes and swim indepently by the end of summer. It's good to have goals.

The Holiday Season

2010-05-10T05:44:00.000-07:00

I know Thanksgiving and Christmas come to mind for most when they hear holiday season. In this house, May 4-June 25 is our second holiday season. We have, so far, celebrated Abigial's 7th birthday and Mother's Day. We still have my birthday, Brian's birthday and Father's Day to go. This year graduation and the end of orientation are thrown in for good measure. I have decided to not walk at graduation. Too anti-climactic, since I graduated last August and I'd just like to have one less thing to do. Point is moot now since I am working that weekend.

The last few weeks have been fun. Abigail celebrated her birthday Star Wars Legos style. For pics of the action you can check out Brian's blog (mightyshamrock.livejournal.com). Then I enjoyed the most decadent Mother's Day. Brian raises the bar every year and fears the year he won't be able to live up to his reputation. Nonsense. He will always out do himself. The celebration started when I got home from work to find sidewalk chalk all over the driveway shouting "Happy Mother's Day". Despite the hopes to sleep in, a 6:30 phone call from work woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep. Scheduling snafu, figures. Since we were up, Brian grabbed me a delicious venti decaf skinny vanilla latte (yes, I'm one of those). He made pancakes, three kinds, presented an assortment of blueberry syrups, some pink donuts, and a blueberry scone...oh, and some turkey sausage. Do you feel like you need to go for a run yet?

But the celebrating didn't stop then. My mom and dad came down for a visit and we made seafood macaroni and cheese with a side of grilled peppers and asparagus. At this point, you should definitely go for a run because I'm going to need help working it all off.

I topped off the day by watching New Moon (one of the many gifts from Brian). Have no fear, Brian didn't steal the show. Autumn gave me a poem, a flower made from her handprints, and a potted plant (which I'm sure to kill by next week). Abigail also gave me a lima bean plant (black thumb here) and a poem she wrote by herself (special attention to line 6...it cracks me up):

I love my Mom!

Ask me why.

Because she is beautiful.

Because she is a great cook.

Because she is a nice nurse.

Because she has a smart husband.

Because she has three smiling children.

Becuase, Because, Because,

That's why I love my Mom!

Bridget couldn't make a poem or plant a flower, but she is scooting around backwards, demanding food with a pound of her little hand, and is pretty good at drinking water from a sippy cup.

I couldn't be more pround to be a mom and a wife. I am excited to celebrate another birthday and mark off another milestone in my new career as a nurse. If you are wondering why this entry is so long, it's because there just isn't time to spread the news out. It's all or nothing. I'm glad I've got it all.

The Saga Continues

2010-04-24T12:41:00.000-07:00

You know, every time I think I've gotten into a routine again, life decides I need things shaken up a bit. The last post was all sunshine and roses. Not that life is a pile of garbage right now, but I certainly don't smell daisy fresh.

Bridget has been having eating issues. This has led to a decreased milk supply which has led to omitting solids and me taking fenugreek, alfalfa, and blessed thistle, feeding the baby every 2 hours around the clock which has led to a baby that doesn't want to sleep through the night anymore which has led to a very sleepy mom and dad. I'm pretty sure my milk is back up. I'll be able to quantify it on Monday when I work, but hopefully all the extreme measures have paid off. If not, I think I will have to throw in the hat and give this kid formula. I am not a breast-only crazy woman, but 1) I really don't want to spend money on formula, 2) I enjoy breastfeeding. Even when I'm stressed over finding time to pump at work, I find it is a way to stay connected to my family and keep things in perspective, 3) I just need to feel like I have control over something.

After buying a new TV for the one that pooped out on us unexpectedly last month, we have since had the pleasure of paying to have our A/C repaired and a new set of tires put on the VUE. No control.

And now I'm in the thick of birthday season. It's nice to balance all the craziness with something fun. I can not believe my oldest is going to be 7 years old! I also can not believe that I will be hosting my second Star Wars party, this year with a Legos twist. I was all ready to make a cool cake, but for the third year in a row she wants birthday brownies. More specifically, Bossk Brownies topped with Darth Vader Dark Chocolate Sundaes. Who am I to argue. At least it's nice to be in control of something again. Wish us luck for party success.

Loving Light and Life

2010-04-04T12:07:00.000-07:00

I am back on days and loving every daylight minute of it. I know I will have to do my fair share of nights, but I really am a dayshift person. At the end of the month, I just found I didn't click with anyone on nights. They are all friendly enough, just no one I could relate to. I also found the culture to be so different from days. I'd rather spend my down time at work talking about ways to improve the unit or better understand the pathophysiology of one of my patients, rather than surf the web.

But the best part is feeling awake. I've been having fun hanging out with the kids. I went to the gym last week and tried a Body Pump class. Every muscle in my arms and legs is throbbing. It's awesome.

Bridget is 7 months old today. I can not believe how quickly the time has passed. She is just adorable. She's still a plump little cupcake. She can roll, but isn't overly motivated to so very often. She can hold herself up a little, but seems pretty content to just lay like broccoli. She doesn't have teeth yet, but it's all fine by me. She will achieve her milestones when she is good and ready to. On the plus side, she is quite a sleeper. We put her to bed last night at 6 pm and she didn't wake up untill 9:30 this morning! She woke once halfway through for a snack and that was it. I don't know what we did to deserve such an easygoing niblet.

Autumn is so funny and downright gorgeous. You can't tell me your not jealous of that hair? She giggles over everything. She's getting more confident in herself, but is more than happy to snuggle up on my lap.

Abigail is smart. Getting a little too smart for her britches. She learned that plasma was the fourth state of matter when she was watching a Star Wars Technology show on the history channel. They discussed that it could only be found in stars. The timing was apropos, considering they were just learning about states of matter in school. She told everyone she ran into about plasma. I'm glad that she still thinks learning is cool and fun.

This warm and sunny weather certainly has given me a more optimistic outlook than my life deserves right now. We're still holding out hope for Brian to find steady work in the immediate future, but we are handling it all well. I'd even go so far as to say we are beyond merely surviving. We live a little and actually like it.

sorry peeps. the plan was to have pics of the whole family, but posting pics with blogspot sucks. they were all uploaded after two attempts, then they wouldn't drag to the right spots, then i think i accidentally deleted one. enjoy what did get posted. i guess that's what FB is for.

The Difference is Night and Day

2010-03-26T06:32:00.000-07:00

So, I've been MIA for a bit because I've been working night shift. I was originally going to post my opinions after the first week, but I thought it best to give it some time before expressing my impression.

Honestly, it's not so bad...but I don't love it. The first week I must have had a rush of adrenaline because I didn't feel tired at all. After having three weeks under my belt, and one to go, it's really catching up wtih me. Even as I type this, my brain is fuzzy and finding it difficult to form a sentence. This is even after I got 9 hours of sleep last night.

Sleep aside, there are a lot of differences between working day shift and night shift. It's not that one is better than the other, they are just different. There are many factors that go into working one over the other...money, personality, work-life balance, needs of the unit, etc...

Here is what I have discovered so far:

There are fewer interruptions at night. For the most part, once you organize what needs to be done with your patients, very little changes. You may have to juggle an emergency or an admission, but you don't have meds being adjusted, PT swinging by, eye exams or families milling around for half the shift.

Night shift is a tight crew. They are definitely proud to be working nights and wouldn't have it any other way. No doubt, you have to know your stuff working nights. The docs go to sleep and it really forces you to employ all your skills before waking them to intervene.

Night shifters are night owls. They find ways to survive and thrive on ridiculously small amounts of sleep. They seem to enjoy not having the docs milling around. Great pride is taken in getting the bed tidy and making the babies all fresh and clean. They must be hiding an extra set of hands because I don't seem to have enough to weigh a baby and change linens for a baby on an oscillator all by myself. This is surely a skill that I will aquire with time.

Day shift is full of activity, verging on chaos. Rounds are in the mornings, adjustments are made to the plan of care, speech swings by to teach a baby to feed, PT works on positioning and body movements, education provides developmentally appropriate stimulation, plus emergencies, admissions and discharges. Drips/lines are changed steriley resulting in a tangled mess of spaghetti. Of course fluids never arrive early enough and this is done when you are trying to organize everything just before change of shift. Nurses step in and out for committee meetings or classes.

Day shifters have to be early birds. They are up before dawn, but don't get home until after their young kids are in bed.

So, after my time on both, I am decidely a day shifter. I like the activity. I like being a part of rounds, contributing to the plan of care, and gaining an understanding of my patients current diagnoses. I like being available for committee meetings and contributing to the changing practices on the unit. I like collaborating with all the disciplines on the unit. I do miss seeing the kids on the days I work. I leave the house at 6 AM and don't get home until 8:30. It's tough, but on my days off, I am full of energy. I get to see my husband and have a little down time, even on days that I work.

Somehow, Blogger timed out and I lost half my post 2 days ago. I've been working on this post for 3 days between interruptions, deletions and sleepiness. At this point, I'm just hoping the thoughts here are coherrent.

Being on night shift, I feel hungover, dehydrated and downright fuzzy headed ALL the time. The first week wasn't so bad. I thought, "hey, I can do this". The second week was tough, but I bounced back. The third week hit me like a mac truck and dragged me along for a few miles. I will start week four tonight. I think this will send me over the edge. Luckily, I am dayshift starting Friday. I know I will have to rotate onto nights after orientation, but I likely won't have to do it for a month at a time. Just a week or two in a row, every 6 weeks. That, I can manage. Of course, I am not above taking on more night shifts to make extra bank in the event we have not aquired a second source of predictable income. Brian has really been keeping us afloat with his freelance work, but it's so unreliable I view it more like bonus money, than income.

While it's great to see the kids more, I don't feel like I'm entirely present in the experience. I don't have the energy to suggest creative things or make the efforts to take them to the pool (knowing that I will be begging and pleading with them to get their faces wet the entire time). I get to see my husband, but it's surrounded by the usual hustle and bustle of homework/bath/and dinnertime for the kids. And forget getting a moment to myself. I've resorted to bringing my laptop upstairs with me when I go to bed to steal a quick glance at my email and cnn.com. I also don't think I make decisions as quickly on night shift. The brain is slow and sleepy. But, heck, the extra money is nice. And, I can park right next to the hospital instead of catching the bus.

At the end of the day (or night), I will just make do with whatever I have to work. It's income and it's a job I love. There are a lot of people who don't get to say that. Maybe it's not ideal, but it is my reality for now. I've just got to get myself through Wednesday at 7:30 AM. I think I can, I think I can.

Whip It...Into Shape

2010-03-13T11:18:00.000-08:00

The last couple of years I've spent anxiously awaiting the next milestone to acquire things that I want. Such as, we'll go on a nice vacation when I'm done with grad school or we'll replace our broken televisions once Brian gets a more consistent source of income. I keep putting more kitchen seating on the back burner waiting for the day that I don't have to deliberate if it's an appropriate time to buy something. This blog is me saying I could wait until the cows come home for those material things. But, there is something I bought that just could not wait any longer.

I signed the whole family up for a gym membership. Despite my belief that the gym is overpriced, I really can't place a price tag on my health and fitness. Exercise is my meditation. It makes me more relaxed, content, and better able to handle all the rest of it. Not only is it good for my mental and physical health, I think it's good for the whole family. Brian gets a much happier and svelte wife. The girls get to see their parents leading a healthy lifestyle that they will hopefully acquire themselves.

I was at the gym yesterday and today painting an idyllic picture in my head of how life changing this could be. For starters, the gym has built in babysitting services for up to 2 hours a day. That's more than enough time for me to get in a workout or a steam or yoga class or a coffee. No more juggling who or when the kids will be watched so that I can get a 30 minute walk in around the neighborhood. Autumn loves the play area. She can crawl through tunnels, play with dolls, paint pictures, or run into her buddies. The jury is still out if Abigail likes it. Since she's older, she has access to a gym with basketballs, moon bounce, Wii, DDR, dolls, coloring, PlayStation... I have to give her credit today for being tossed into a room full of strangers, the boys outnumbered the girls 5:1, and she had a good time. I would have been petrified of that scenario as a kid. Heck, that terrifies me now. But she is agreeable and sociable and able to find a friend wherever she goes. I haven't gotten up the courage to leave Bridget yet, but even she is old enough to partake in the excitement.

Yesterday, I was watching people walk around the indoor track. On a Friday afternoon at 3, there was a large majority of people over the age of 60. Something about seeing so much activity was inspiring. There was a business man in his suit and sneakers walking. There was an elderly man curling free weights while balanced on a Bosu board. There was one grandmother there with her grandsons. The boys were all of 4 and 7. They were running around the track, while the grandmother kept pace with them. It was sweet to see the older generations pass along something good to the little ones.

There is are three saltwater pools and a hot tub. Between me, Brian, and the Kid Zone, we should be able to juggle the kids enough to teach them to swim. Brian is an excellent swim instructor and hopefully he can get both of the big kids swimming by end of summer. Bridget can even get a taste of the warm water pool.

The basketball courts have family hours where they lower the hoops so that the kids have a chance at making a shot. Our girls are pretty tall. Maybe we can plant the seed for sports early. At the very least, give them the opportunity to explore what they might be good at. They even have group classes for kids 7 and up, including a karate fit class.

I know reality isn't as rosy as the picture I am painting, but I feel great about getting back into the gym. I just want to feel stronger again and take advantage off the things my body can accomplish, if I just push myself to try.

A Blog Exclusive

2010-03-12T19:13:00.000-08:00

The Many Faces of Autumn

Sweet

Silly

Super Silly

What do you mean I won't take a pacifier?

Sisterly Love

Please Be Kind, Rewind

2010-03-07T18:07:00.000-08:00

Some people have favorite books that they read over and over again. I have never felt compelled to reread a book. No matter how good they are, I bore of knowing what the next page holds. But, I can watch certain movies dozens of times, finding them just as engaging as the first time I watched them. I learn them word for word. Depending on the movie, I am overcome with nostalgia or catharsis or comfort or elation. It all began with the Sound of Music when I was 10. I never could figure out how to solve a problem like Maria. I loved that movie so much, I tried to convince my husband to name our daughters Gretel or Marta. Who could watch that movie and not want a little Gretel of their own?

I added many to my list over the years.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun - I was twelve. My best friend and I would reenact the dance tryouts sequence. What were we thinking.

The Little Mermaid - I watched this over and over again in high school. Guess I was trying to hold onto my childhood just a little while longer.

Secret Admirer, The Princess Bride and The Breakfast Club- I actually suckered my brother into watching these with me. Every weekend we'd settle in for a late night viewing. When I met Brian, I was shocked that he had never seen The Breakfast Club. This movie is also the reason why I could never name our daughter Claire. It's a fat girls name. Maybe not presently fat, but destined to be fat.

The Fisher King- This is, by far, one of Robin Williams best films. The acting was superb.

The Cutting Edge - Who can forget Toe Pick? And, seriously, this is really just a dance movie on ice.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves- I had this soundtrack on tape (I know, I'm that old). I listened to it every night when I went to bed. I could literally visualize each scene as I heard the notes.

The Crow and Dazed and Confused- Two constants my freshman year of college. I found myself an optimist surrounded my close group of pessimists. Not sure what they saw in me, but the experience was intense and unforgettable. I also learned to drink that year. Have a swig every time they say 'dude' and you'll be well on your way.

Titanic and Good Will Hunting- These came out right after I'd had my heart broken for the first time. The passion and emotion reminded me of my own labile feelings.

Ever After - adding another period piece to my repertoire.

Bring It On and Center Stage- Adding to my love of all things dance movies. Step Up 2: the Streets is of equal measure, but yet to be added to my DVD library. Maybe it 's because I never had dance lessons as a kid or my love of dance music. These just make me want to shake it.

Pride and Prejudice- (Matthew McFayden and Keira Knightley version) I'm watching this one as I type. The music is lovely. Just watching this movie makes me feel full of love and contented. All the stresses of life just melt away.

I am curious to know what new movies I will add over the years. Will my children find these films painfully dated and drab? What movies are your Watch-Rewind-Repeat list?

Evolution of Relationships

2010-02-26T12:53:00.001-08:00

In the last week, I've become acutely aware of the bonds that bind people together. Family relationships seem to turn up in every movie or show I watch. It's delved into in books I read and even the Olympics. With the economic downturn and Brian officially hitting the unemployed-for-one-year mark, I've really had time to reprioritize the important things in life. While life can be overwhelming at times and I feel as if my closets might explode with enough clothes to open a girl's boutique, I am thankful for all that I do have. A car or a house that would comfortably fit our family of five would be nice, but far from necessary. At least we have a car (or two) and cozy home.

It all makes me pause to reflect on my own relationships, or lack thereof, depending on which one we're talking about. The tricky thing about relationships is that it requires both parties to participate to be successful. No matter how much I pour into some, the efforts are moot if they are not accepted or recipricated.

It probably doesn't help that I grew up a military brat and have become very comfortable moving on. We moved every year and a half or two. Sometimes we'd get to stay somewhere three whole years! I became an excellent pen pal. But, as soon as the pal stopped writing, I dropped my efforts like a bad habit and never thought twice about it. Don't get me wrong, I'd write a few extra notes in hope of getting a response, but there was no way I was going to cling to a relationship for a year and get nothing in return. If you look at my employment history, it may reveal this to be a character trait I apply to many facets of my life.

It's something that I want to get better at. I see the bonds others have. Relationships that they grew up with. Cousins that were playmates and best friends. A family friend that was like a second parent. Family gatherings that are relaxing and a time to revel in similarities, instead of highlighting what divides us. There are some people I have known my entire life, yet I know very little about them.

I know it's not just me. I have a great relationship with my husband and kids. I hope to be like a second mom to my kids' friends. I want to be the go-to house in the neighborhood, even if it means spending double at the grocery store every month. At least I know I'll be putting in the effort on my end of the line. Life is an interesting evolution that hopefully leads to flourishing relationships, not extinction.

Trying to Find the Balance

2010-02-20T10:29:00.000-08:00

It's been a crazy couple of weeks, but that's nothing new. But that's the problem. I have been trying my darndest to accept the chaos as my new norm. It certainly doesn't seem like life is going to settle out any time soon, so how do I find my comfort zone again?

Work has been emotional and in the last two weeks I could tack on a sequel to "Adventures in Pumping" entitled " Physiological Needs: Work is So Crazy-Busy There is No Time to Eat, Pee or Pump". Throw in a snow storm, school closed for two weeks, more or less and I'm all out of wack. I thrive on routines and structure and I'm clawing my way up the mountain in hopes of finding them at the top.

I know it isn't just me. The kids are learning to find a new balance with me gone at work and not around to do little things only mommy can do. Brian is also trying to find his new balance with the extra responsibilities .The kids are having fun with all the little things only daddy can do. But I miss the balance. I miss having time to get the house organized and clean. I miss having time to relax with a book; holding a list with everything marked off. Maybe that's just the new norm with three kids, including a newborn, a full-time job, and the innate need to be a control-freak.

From now on, I suppose I just have to gently remind myself that I can only do so much, not everyone's needs need to be met by me, and the snow will melt eventually. Until then, maybe I'll just keep the closet doors closed a little tighter to hide the clutter. No one else seems to be bothered by it, so why should I.

Wish me luck

Adventures in Pumping and other Short Stories

2010-02-07T06:49:00.001-08:00

Well, it seems my life of late can be summed up through my escapades in pumping. Let's start from the beginning, shall we.

It all began with stockpiling about 32 oz. of milk in the freezer to cover my first day away from the baby. That 32 oz. took weeks to accumulate.

So, it's off to work I go. I can not tell you how many times I have forgotten my pump tubing at home or in the pump room. I'm surprised I can remember minute patient details, but when it comes to collecting up all my gear my brain goes on vacation. I swear I will have to wean this child because I can't afford to keep buying new tubing, not because either one of us wants to quit.

Then one day, a couple of weeks ago, I stole a break only to find the pumping room completely full. I'm thrilled we have so many breastfeeding moms on the unit. Damn. This sends me into Plan B. I'll rush one floor up to the pump room accessible to anyone not in the NICU. It's a little crammed and too upholstered for my taste (IMPO, everything in a pump room should be able to be wiped down. Fabric chairs with milk splattered stains are just gross). But, at least it has a sink and some pumps. Come to find out it is closed until further notice. Double damn. I follow the signs that lead me to some makeshift pump rooms. These are a couple of empty offices with no locks on the doors. I do find a sign to tape to the door indicating the room is 'in use' and hope no one walks in. While this Plan C is roomier than Plan B, there are no wipes to clean off the equipment, let alone a sink to rinse things off. Double gross. My breasts are just relieved to be relieved.

A week or so later, my husband calls me at work to inform me of a loud banging sound in the walls. Turns out a pipe near the water plant has burst and our whole community is without water. Thank goodness it back on when I get home to shower on day 1. I wash bottles in the sink and organize myself for the next day. When I get home on day 2, I find out that we should be boiling our water until further notice. Really? So, now I have to wash bottles in nasty water at home and again in fresh water when I get to work. Thank goodness that only lasted about 4 days.

Then I run into an old classmate and have a little discussion about 'breast is best'. I am totally fine with formula. I fed my first child formula because she failed to thrive and she's no worse for the wear. But, breast milk is free and I like it, so that's what we're doing for this little lady. I bring this up because he was under the impression that pumping was no big deal. Do it at the beginning of the day and your good to go, right? It's no fault of is own. He doesn't have kids or breasts. But for the record, it is no small effort every 3 hours for 15 minutes.

Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but yet another blizzard. We were even lucky enough to lose power for 12 hours or so. While no power is making me colder, it is making my super stash of frozen breast milk warmer. After a couple of hours of now power, I packed up my supply and stuck it in the snow. No way was I letting all of that hard work go to waste.

Needless to say, the weather and finicky utilities have made my days "off" very busy. I look forward to warm days that don't require tacking 10 extra minutes to my commute or for getting my kids out the door in their endless layers. I look forward to my breaks at work being time that I actually get to catch up with coworkers or grab a snack instead of extracting a meal for my baby. I look forward to the day that all of the housework is caught up and I can actually spend uniterrupted hours reading or resting. One day.

Pt Report

2010-01-18T08:19:00.000-08:00

HPI: 33 YO G3P3 with exhaustion and fatigue througout the last year brought on by completion of grad school, pregnancy and childbirth, husband lost steady job 11 months ago, starting full-time work in December, and juggling household. Children ages 6, 4, and 4 months.

N: pt irritable at times. Difficult to relax and brain "never stops thinking". Increased anxiety related to sleep in fear of night feedings and fear of sleeping through alarm. Stressed over the need to get a handle on the children's toys overtaking the home. Temp- returning to normal after a bitter cold winter.

R: check

CV: in need of cardio workout to relieve stress and get fit. Meds: vitamins and calcium supplements. No caffeine.

GI/GU: insufficient intake to meet with demands of working and breastfeeding. Increased weight loss in the last month. However, pt reports eating too many cookies. Educate on healthy on eating.

SKIN: increased acne and paleness. Need to spend more time feeling the warm sun on skin.

SOCIAL: supportive husband and family. Interactions with friends has been less than desired due to blizzard, holidays and new work schedule. Pt looking forward to going out this weekend with a friend and settling into a routine in the near future.

Back to "Sleep"

2010-01-03T07:16:00.000-08:00

Does anyones baby just love sleeping on their backs? I recall my nephew startling himself in his sleep as a newborn, arms and legs akimbo, then settling right back into a dreamland slumber without a peep. Although I have witnessed it, I have never had the pleasure of owning a kid that doesn't necessitate a snug swaddle, rocking, and seeing my mug every 2-3 hours around the clock. Would they have been better sleepers if I'd let them sleep with their butts up in the air like tiny turkeys?

Since going back to work, Bridget has become an increasingly finicky sleeper. She wants to be held, she doesn't want to be held, she cat naps, she won't let you put her down when she's awake without fussing. What happened to my chill, sleepy baby?

Returning to work has really illuminated how much we need to teach Bridget to sleep. After waking 5 times Sunday night and popping her eyes open every time you laid her down like a broken baby doll from days of yore, Brian decided it was time to cry it out and let her sleep on her belly.

Gasp. The horror. As a NICU nurse and a paranoid mom, I was conflicted. The rule in our home has been "once the baby can roll over on her own, she can sleep on her tummy." After all, I'm not going to stay awake all night just to flip her over. I understand the impact the Back-to-Sleep campaign has had on reducing SIDS. It's cut the rates in half. But half of what? You could reduce the incidence of something down from 2 in a million to 1 in a million and still accurately tout you have reduced it half. Frankly, I am not impressed.

The statistics are not as ridiculous as my example. The incidence of SIDS has been reduced from 1 in 1800 to 1 in 700 over the last 30 years (Dr. Kattwinkel is actually an attending on my unit), the same time parents were encouraged to put their babies to sleep on their backs. That is awesome news for all those babies who didn't die of SIDS, but suffocation rates have tripled (again with the vague...what does that statistic really mean). Having chatted with mom friends of newborns, I find co-sleeping to occur more and more. So, my question is this: which is more dangerous? co-sleeping or tummy sleeping?

In an ideal world, all babies would contentedly sleep for hours on their backs. They would not startle awake, they would not wake every 2 hours, they would not be raised by bleary-eyed, sleep deprived parents hunkered down in survival mode who are so exhausted it is all they can do to get through the day. We don't live in an ideal world. Parenting is about juggling and balancing and the big picture.

So what was I to do? Exist on 4 hours of chopped up sleep, wake up at 5:30 in the morning, spend twelve and a half hours attempting to provide safe care to preemie babies, then get home at 8:15 only to get 4 more choppy hours. I'm so sleep deprived and bombarded with new information at work that my brain is fuzzy and I'm on the verge of tears. So, I decided statistics be damned. I am too educated to believe that babies sleeping on their back is the only factor that has helped reduce the risk of SIDS. 30 years ago people smoked around their kids, cribs were full of bumpers and cushy blankets, babies were given rice cereal in bottles, and formula was what all the cool babies were drinking.

I will continue to hypocritically educate families to put their babies to sleep on their backs, since it is a factor we easily have control over. Much the same way fat medical professionals everywhere push heart healthy diets and exercise on their patients. But I will live on the edge and have confidence that Bridget will turn her head when the air gets stale.

As for Bridget, she slept from 8 pm last night and had to be woken up at 8:30 this morning to go to a doctors appointment. She only woke once at night to eat and I wonder how much longer she would have slept had I let her. When she is awake, she is so much happier and interactive. I'm happier and more interactive. I have patience for annoying kid behaviors (does anyone really feel relaxed when their kid whines or tells you their 30th knock-knock joke. I can only fake laugh so many times).

Thank you Brian, for teaching Bridget how to sleep. Bridget. Keep up the good work.

Recap

2009-12-31T06:00:00.000-08:00

I should be recapping the end of the year. It is New Year's Eve, after all. Instead, it's all I can do to recap the last two weeks.

I am thoroughly exhausted, to be honest. The first week of work was a bunch of 9-5 days getting all sorts of paperwork and generic hospital orientation stuff out of the way. I was both a pack mule and a dairy cow, lugging my breast pump all around the hospital grabbing random rooms to pump in. All the while, Bridget was at home consuming all of an ounce or two, the ENTIRE day.

After an exhausting first week, we got hit with the storm of the decade. The girls had a blast attempting to trudge through it all. Lots of sledding and shoveling and bundling occurred. I really enjoyed it the first day. It was beautiful to watch and cozy inside. We only lost power for a few hours which just gave us an excuse to pile on the blankets and light the candles. After a day of snow and no plows in sight, I started to get frustrated. I wasn't able to get to the hospital for my first day of work on the unit. A two-door Civic Coupe in 2 feet of snow...I don't think so. This meant I was going to have to work Christmas Eve to make up the time. My plans to finish up shopping for Christmas gifts and Christmas dinner was a bust. I did manage to walk to Target to pick up some stocking stuffers and gifts.

Then it was on for three days of work, off for Christmas, on for three more days, off for one, then on for one last day. The schedule was intimidating, in and of itself, but add in getting up extra early to drive on icy roads, squeezing in an early morning pumping session, and being bombarded for 12+ hours with learning a new job; it was all I could do to kiss my babies and crawl into bed when I got home. Did I mention Bridget has taken to waking 3 or 4 times at night, reluctant to be put back to sleep?

But, there was a lot of awesome this past two weeks. Brian was AMAZING as a house spouse. He handled all three kids with ease. Dishes were done. Dinner was warm and waiting for me when I got home at 8:15pm. The kids were bathed, laundry was clean, groceries were bought, Christmas decorations were taken down and toys cleaned up. While I was at work, I never once worried about things at home because I knew it was all getting done. Much to Brian's dismay, being a super house spouse led to me sobbing that I wasn't needed around the house anymore and that I was losing my control of the homefront. I blame hormones, since I have also started shedding like a dog all the hair I didn't lose during pregnancy. I think I might go bald pretty soon if the pace keeps up.

Christmas was lovely. The girls really had fun with the presents this year and get excited over the tiniest things. It's nice to see it doesn't take big and fancy things to make them happy. I finally got to host a holiday meal and dinner was so tasty. It was made even more enjoyable having family to spend the holidays with and I love seeing the girls get to know their baby cousin. Hearing my mother-in-law's hilarious baking escapades is becoming a holiday tradition that brings me giggles. It was Bridget's first Christmas and she slept and enjoyed having her mommy home for a day.

Working with the babies in the NICU has been great. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I was back. Catching up with nurses of the unit and showing off pics the kids has been like a mini reunion. While I was more than overwhelmed the first day back, I have realized that I learned more than I though during my last two semesters of school. I am shocked at how much more ill the intermediate babies are than they used to be, but excited that I get to be the one to help them and their families during the roller coaster course many preemies take.

I could probably write all day, but my baby is awake and looking for snuggles. I want to bake cookies with my big girls and enjoy my four days off.

HAVE A HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Makin' Bacon

2009-12-14T14:43:00.000-08:00

Today was my first official day back at work. I had prepped well the night before..laid out an outfit, organized my pumping supplies, parking pass and water bottle were good to go. Bridget was even kind enough to wake me an hour before I had to leave, so I had plenty of time to feed her and get ready. In my head, it all should have worked out. It didn't.

Bridget didn't eat well, so I had to pump before I left (see ya 15 minutes). I decided I didn't like how the outfit I'd picked out fit, so I decided on something else...needed to be ironed. Meant to grab a picture of the girls to keep with...slipped my mind. I realized this on the bus and it almost made me cry, but I had a book to distract me. I perked some coffee, but forgot to pour it in a cup. Decided I had just enough time to swing by 7-11 for a cup, but realized my credit card was in the diaper bag from my big grocery shopping extravaganza a couple of days ago. I never have cash, but managed to scrounge just enough for a cup. It's only decaf, but I really enough a warm cup in the morning (especially when there is freezing fog).

I arrived right on time and there was not a break all day. Lots of orientation stuff and paperwork. My head is swimming. It was nice to take a quick tour and see familiar faces. I got several you-look-familiar-but-can't-place-you looks until I said I was a student and pregnant. Ah ha!

I did find it a little lonely to return to work after having a baby, but spending my day with strangers that were clueless to that fact. It's a tough day for any mom, but it helps to have the support of colleagues to lean on and ask to see pictures.

On the super plus side, I had the comfort of knowing my babies were at home with their daddy. When I called to check in, all was quiet and peaceful . His voice was relaxed and reassuring (even if Bridget only ate an ounce all day). When I got home the kids were playing together, the dishes were done, laundry was clean...it's almost as if I wasn't needed at all. But then Autumn came running over to say how much she missed me; Bridget gave me smiles and ate and ate. Even Abigail asked me how the babies were and if they all arrive too early. I'm still needed and wanted and it's nice to be contributing to the family money pot, again.

I love you, Brian!

Religion vs Morals

2009-12-08T14:13:00.001-08:00

I read a commentary in the local paper a couple of weeks ago that sparked a conversation between me and Brian. We discussed it again with a family friend that was visiting this weekend.

I can't find the article to find a direct quote, but the jist was this: The more religion has been removed from the classroom, the less moral generations of children have become. Brian and I recognize that this is part of an age old phenomenon at work. The older generations always look at the younger generation as being wilder, more confrontational and always challenging authority. "Kids grow up so much faster these days, " they might say. That may or may not be true, but this author attributes the downward spiral to a lack of religious influence.

Now, I am not going to argue that religions don't teach their followers morals. Do you really think I want to part with my $50 that easily? But the loud implication is that one can not be moral without the framework of religion to guide them or scare them into submission. Take your pick. I believe people are inherently good. I do believe in being good for goodness sake.

I am more motivated by my belief that my time on Earth is the only chance I've got. I am not being a moral person because of secret prize at the end. I am moral because it is the right thing to do, it betters the society in which I live, and there are no second chances. A lack of religion isn't leading to immoral behavior, a lack of morals is.

While religion may not be infused with our school system, that does not mean parents can't pass along these values at home. Our children are far more influenced by their families, than they are by their education. Besides, the older generations shouldn't place blame for the failings of the younger generation on the schools or religion before reflecting upon the role they contributed to how our generation turned out.

Makes me wonder what lessons will stick and won't stick to my kids over the years, despite my best intentions.

Dear Scrub Designer,

2009-12-03T05:58:00.000-08:00

I am not a five year old little girl looking to wear cartoon characters on my tops.

Not all nurses become pediatric nurses which might justify wearing cartoon characters on their tops.

The unshapely boxy look is flattering for no one.

I do not want to flash my goodies every time I lean over to take care of my patients.

The ability to pull off wearing Pepto Bismol pink or purple pants ended when I went through puberty.

Elastic waist pants are something my grandmother would wear.

Drawstring pants give you a bunchy bottom and constantly have to be retied.

What's wrong with a button and a zipper like normal people? I'm sure men wearing scrubs would appreciate the zipper feature.

I do not think I can justify spending more money on scrub tops and pants, that will get covered in blood and body fluids, than I do on my everyday clothes.

All white...are you kidding me? I'm no scarey Nurse Ratched.

I am a professional and would like to buy a look that reflects that at a reasonable price.

All that said, you're likely to find me wearing a pink polka dot top with turquoise drawstring pants this winter because that's all they had in my price range. Way to start my nursing career looking like a tart.

Thankful

2009-11-25T15:18:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for many things this year...

I am thankful my husband watched the kids this afternoon so that I could go see an afternoon movie...sorry the baby cried so much.

I am thankful that my family is healthy.

I am thankful I have a roof over my head. And not just any roof, the roof is attached to a home I love.

I am thankful for heat and nutritious food on the table.

I am thankful I have a job to start in less than 3 weeks.

I am thankful that my children are loving, thriving, and make my life fun.

I am thankful that my husband balances me out and is my biggest fan.

I am thankful that my husband is an awesomely hard worker, despite adversity.

I am thankful for good friends that I can be myself around.

I am thankful for love, life, liberty, and happiness.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Less Weighty Matters

2009-11-22T07:56:00.000-08:00

I am psyched that I fit into my prepregnancy jeans (with room), have hit my breastfeeding weight (I accept 5 extra pounds for boobs, milk, and reserves), and I feel great. I still have my little cupcake to thank for my muffin top, but it's nothing pilates and a little time won't fix.

Just in time for holiday sweets.

Lazy Blogger

2009-11-20T07:02:00.000-08:00

My husband argues that 'lazy' is not a word that he would ever use to describe me. Regardless, I have been slack about blogging. Mostly because I don't imagine anyone would find child rearing as interesting a topic as I do. How many times can I post about a good or bad night's sleep with an infant? The big girls are pretty easygoing. They have their moments, but really don't get into any notable antics.

We're gearing up for the holiday season and my return to full-time work. I am definitely concurrently very excited and sad at the same time. I know Bridget will be in good hands and will not starve, despite staunch refusal of the bottle. She's a smart cupcake and will figure out the whole bottle eating thing. I'll stress over sleepless nights combined with busy days. But I also know that I will love my job, love my coworkers and love that I can help contribute to this family's money pot.

In this day and age, women can do anything they want. I am happy to be a living example to my girls that you can get an education, you can have a career, you can be a mom and a friend and a wife. Schedules get hectic and stressful, but it can be done. I do not want them to see work as a chore. Even when I've had jobs I don't like, it is still my responsibility as an adult. A means to an end. Life isn't always easy, but I will take on the challenge to balance it all in an effort to fulfill my need to be immersed in science, my desire to be a happy person, and to give my children the world. I will miss my girls during the day, but I will not lay on the guilt when I leave the house. Dad's never feel guilty for going to work because they know it is an integral part of sustaining a family.

But don't get me wrong, on my days off I am going to be organizing playdates, overseeing homework, and snuggling my babies.

On that note, here are some pics of my cute babies that we took because Autumn is 4 (and then she'll 5 and then 6....she volunteers that to everyone who will listen).

Gramma's Birthday Brownie to Autumn

Daddy and Bridget Sitting Side-by-side

Monkey Party Games

"Autumn is 4. I'm very smart for my size."

Not a good picture of me, but it is such a rare event I figured I'd post it anyway.

I'm Amazed

2009-11-07T04:58:00.000-08:00

I have seen enough in life, that there are few that surprise me. They may disappoint me or warm my heart or make me shake my head, but I've read enough news and seen enough crazy antics that the shock factor has greatly diminished.

Of course, all of this to say a few things have taken me by surprise of late. Like exactly how much weight my baby cupcake has packed on in just two short months. She is already 14 lb 5 oz! I never thought I would be so successful at breastfeeding or that my kids had it in them to be so plump and juicy. I am also still in mild shock over how easygoing she is. She sleeps like no child of mine ever has. Yesterday she got her 2 month vaccines and was irritable for about an hour that afternoon. It was the longest she has been fussy her whole life (with the exception of the torture that is the car). I was surprised at how much I missed her smiles when they returned later that evening.

I am also amazed at just how many bad things can happen to one family in a single year. I had visions of what life could be like this year....I'd graduate from school and then we'd be two-income earning family again. We would finally have time and money to have a baby, find our family and friends in good health, sign the girls up for sports and dance, buy a bigger car, maybe put a deck in the "backyard", get a cafe table for the kitchen so that all of us have a place to sit, a new wardrobe for Brian, and gasp....maybe even a family vacation to somewhere we've never been before. Needless to say, I wouldn't be blogging this if it had all come true.

The material things like cars and furniture are really meaningles when you put things in perspective. The vision quickly changed when Brian lost his job. The economy continued a downward spiral that has made it a challenge to find work in this town. Far too many friends and family have fallen ill or passed away this year. Brian is away this very moment at his grandmother's funeral. Cars have been totalled, marriages have fallen apart, housing prices have plummetted.

The truly amazing thing is how resilient I have discovered I can be and I've learned not to stress about the little things. So we are wedged into our car like sardines...it just keeps us close and at least I have a car. Our home value is in the toilet, but I love my house and it's big enough and I don't have to move any time soon. I secured a new grad nurse job amidst a hiring freeze and will work every weekend night if that is what I have to do to help keep this family afloat. Brian has relentlessly job hunted, received freelance work from generous friends and colleaugues all while being stay-at-home-dad while I finished up school. I appreciate that life can be simple again..who needs fancy sports leagues and expensive clubs when I've got playdates and sports equipment. We can teach the girls soccer ourselves and I love turning our living room into an impromptu dance club, "Say, Hey". We are a stronger family for our struggles.

I am thankful that we did, in fact, have a healthy baby girl added to our family. And even though we've survived this year, I look forward to the day that life is a little more secure, a little easier and a little roomier. When that day comes, I will be amazed.

Blog or FB

2009-11-01T14:42:00.000-08:00

FB has created conflict for this blog. To post pics here or to FB. I do like to tell a story with my pics, which makes me want to post them here. But my FB friends that aren't clamoring to write this web address into their computer wouldn't get any peaks at the kiddos. I hate to post the same pics to both places, but let's be honest....you really only want the best of the best immortalized on the web. I hate to play favorites and pic one audience as the more deserving of cute pictures. Admittedly, my FB friends are more boisterous commenters than the lurkers on this blog. Yes, I have heard that there are readers out there. Do not be afraid to post a comment. Really, it isn't painful and you can't hurt my feelings. Oh, the dilemma. Chances are it will not resolved any time soon, so without further adieu, here are some pics.

The girls wanted to be Kit Kittredge for Halloween this year. If you are not familiar with the Amercian Girl doll, here's a picture:

Kit Kittredge Dress (made by yours truly for $6 with fabric, fabric glue and a zipper)

Abigail as Kit, Complete with News Article

Brian and Abigail Carving a Pumpkin Carriage

Autumn with her Glass Slipper Pumpkin

Autumn as Kit Kittredge--not wanting her picture taken

Pumpkin Baby

Tummy Time

Autumn actually wanted me to take her picture, incredible.
Craft Head

I Am Alphabet Soup

2009-10-20T10:37:00.001-07:00

It's official, I am a nurse.

After completing the NCLEX, a test almost as ridiculous as the scenario portion of the CNL exam, I have completed the last step in becoming a registered nurse. Liscencing complete. I wish I could say that I will get a break from learning all sorts of new things, but I will likely spend the first year of my career becoming familiar with my patient population and aquiring all the skills that go along with caring for them. While I am grateful that the learning never ends, it will be nice to go to a job with some level of comfort in regards to my duties that day. It's exhausting when you are in learning mode 24-7 like I have been the last couple of years.

But, I am going to enjoy the hell out of the next couple of months that I have home with the little ladies. I don't have school or tests hanging over my head and I can just sit back and enjoy this time.

Thank you all for the support and enouragement during this adventure. I certainly could not have done it without lots of help, patience and understanding from friends and family.

And now I can sign my name as:

Mrs. Kerri Murphy, BS, MFS, MSN, RN, CNL, MOM

But at the end of the day I'm just the same old Kerri you have known and loved for years.

A Little Lighter

2009-10-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

Well, to follow-up with my weight rant, I will share the good news. I had my six-week post-partum appointment and I am now 25 pounds lighter than my last pre-delivery weigh-in. I still have 5 pounds to go before I hit my breastfeeding weight. This means I still don't fit into my favorite pair of jeans, but hopefully that will happen soon enough. I also don't dig sporting the muffin top that has come along with my lack of tone. Now that I have a clean bill of health; it is time to go for long walks, do some situps and get this body back into shape.

Brian has also been losing weight, but I won't steal his thunder and tell you how much.

Looks like it is only the under seven crowd that is gainig weight and that is exactly as it should be.

A Moment of Thanks

2009-10-08T07:18:00.000-07:00

I realize my life wouldn't be nearly as fun, relaxing, or enriched if it weren't for my husband. For starters, he was the bomb during grad school (both times). Especially this latest round that required juggling of children and schedules and money and craziness. He was super awesome labor support. This past 5 weeks (has it really been 5 weeks since Bridget was born?!), he has been super dad getting the eldest off to the bus stop in the AM and taking the middle one to speech on Thursdays. This has netted me an extra hour of sleep every day, for which we are all thankful. A tired cranky mom makes for a tired cranky house. I also want to thank Bridget for being such a fantabulous crib sleeper.

Brian also helped me rearrange the guest room and the girls' rooms yesterday after the clutter was driving me batty. I know it wasn't on his Top 10 list of fun things to do on a Wednesday afternoon, but he did it without complaint. We threw away a ton of toys, set Abigail up with a distraction-free homework station, and garnered the big girls more play space in their shared room. There is no way I could lifted and pushed around that much furniture, but my sanity has been saved.

THANK YOU, BRIAN!!!

Weighty Matters

2009-10-06T05:22:00.000-07:00

Bridget had her one month appointment today. Chubby cupcake has gained almost THREE pounds. She is now a plump and juicy 11 pounds 2 ounces. I know one should never compare their children, but since there is no judgment in the following (just a statment of the facts) I am going to proceed. All three girls were 22 inches long at 1 month, so the playing field is even. However, Abigail was only 7 lbs 6 oz (5 oz less than her birth weight) and Autumn was 9 lbs 7 oz (2 pounds over her birth weight). Needless to say I take a little pride in how much better the breastfeeding duos have improved over the years.

Now, as I told the nurse, if only each pound gained by Bridget was one pound lost by me. This is the part that I imagine no one will care much about, except for me. Maybe you enjoy reading the trials and tribulations of others. Either way, keep in mind that this is all relative to me and I get that others have much more significant weight struggles. But, since this is my blog, I get to write about mine.

I hope you're good at math because the following is going to make your head spin. With Abigail I gained 24 pounds when I hit maximum density. I can't say the weight came off early, but that kid nursed every 3 hours around the clock for 4 months and never slept. The exhaustion melted the weight off (and a few hours on the elliptical). With Autumn I gained 21 pounds...still hit the exact same maximum density, but that's because I started out a few pounds heavier. I was into my pre-pregnancy jeans within a month. I don't say this to be all 'look at me', but to give context to my current distress.

This pregnancy I started out 10 pounds lighter than my second pregnancy, but more than made up for over the next 9 months. 40 pounds later (YIKES!) I hit maximum density + 7 and thankfully delivered Bridget. Having never been that heavy, I spent each passing day just hoping I wouldn't get stretch marks or gain yet another pound. The good news is I didn't get any stretch marks (although I will enjoy my linea nigra while it lasts) and I've lost 23 pounds. But I feel like I'm never going to be able to wear cute clothes again. I've never worn maternity clothes after delivery because I can usually get by with gym shorts and my one pair of super-sized post partum jeans. This time around I blame the weather because it's too cold to wear my stretchy shorts, but not cold enough to break out the sweats. I know, my post partum look just screams high fashion. Just be thankful I shower and shave every day. I think what has been making me feel particularly doughy and frumpy is the fact that I can't fit into any of my shirts. They are all too small. So I've been wearing maternity shirts. They have plenty of stretch to them, but are not really designed to be slimming.

The long and the short of it is, I'm really just feeling the need to complain, I'm being unrealistic in the status of my body, and I'm reminding myself that I will get my pre-baby body back once I feel up to exercising. Bridget's pregnancy was so different from my other two that I suppose I just wasn't prepared for the unexpected. Can you ever be?

Of course if carrying a few extra pounds right now is the price to pay for a well-fed, sleeping baby, then I will quit my complaining. Besides, I've only got 7 pounds to lose until I hit my breastfeeding weight and 12 to hit my norm (I have no desire to strive for my pre-Bridget weight since it was about 5 pounds lighter than my norm and would actually be an effort to maintain). Have the numbers lost you yet?

A Post of Pics

2009-09-27T18:01:00.000-07:00

Abigail and Her Pretty New Glasses

I'm Foaming at the Mouth...I've got Ba-bies!

I Have No Control Over the Muscles in My Face

Autumn Will Only Let Me Take Her Picture if Bridget is in the Shot

Precious

I LOVE All the Pink!

Sleeping, Unswaddled, Having Startled Several Times...Did I Say Sleeping?!!!

Breast Milk and Beer: A Comparison

2009-09-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

Sadly, it has take until baby #3 for this epiphany to occur to me.

In this scientific comparison, it is a baby drinking the breast milk and an adult of legal age partaking in the beer.

#1- Just a couple of sips and you get very relaxed
#2- Drink enough and you'll pass out.
#3- Drink too much and you'll throw it all up (this does not deter you from going back for more).
#4- Both can give you the shits.
#5- Both are better drunk from the tap, but a bottle of either will suffice.
#6- Baby milk and beer can really pack on the pounds.
#7- It's ok for milk to be nursed. However, you will be made fun of by your friends for nursing your beer.

Am I missing anything?

Just Enjoying Life

2009-09-15T06:36:00.000-07:00

I really have nothing to say. Life has been good. We've really enjoyed having Bridget join our family. She seems to bring out the sweeter, more patient side of everyone. She has given us a week and a half of surprising good sleep (surely not meant to last) and she cries less than the big girls. Friends and family have brought us meals we've enjoyed and appreciated. So, I'll post a few pictures because I'd rather be off the computer living my life, than writing about it.

Look at My Baby Blues

Bridget Meeting Her Cousin Quinn

Snoozing

With Biggest Sister Abigail

With New Big Sister Autumn

First Time Out in the World

1 Day Old

The Birth Story

2009-09-09T12:20:00.001-07:00

Bridget Elise Murphy

09/04/09

8 lbs 7 oz. 21 inches

The adventure actually began seven years ago when we found out we were pregnant with Abigail, the illogical reasoning began in high school. The illogical reasoning is this: sometimes I choose to do something just to see if I can. I gave up red meat when I was 16 not because of the poor injustice to animals or because I think it's bad for you. I just wanted to see if I could. I have now spent more than half my life not eating red meat. About the same time I gave up pork (mostly because I'm not a huge fan of pork chops and other cuts of pig. Your parents will make you eat it if you don't like it, but if you no longer eat pork, well....I again proved to myself that I could do something, just because). So, when I weighed my labor pain management options, the top of the list was to go unmedicated....just to see if I could. With Abigail it was after 15 hours of labor and 8 cm that I got an epidural (it may seem last minute, but she stalled at 8 for about 4 hours). With Autumn, I went for a midwife because certainly I would get the support I needed to achieve my goal....not so much. During transition she insisted I "had to really want it." Listen lady, no one really WANTS it during transition, this is the point you say "you can do it, you're almost there"...even if it's a big fat lie. 30 minutes after the epidural I was ready to push. All of that to get to present day.

Babigyrl Murphy was due August 23rd. After an intensive grad program and being on my feet for long shifts, I thought for certain she would come early. My others were "overdue", but I felt like I was tempting fate having a due date so close to graduation. Clearly I had nothing to worry about.

The Belly- 41 weeks (5 days before delivery)

At ten days after my due date, my midwife and I discussed "the plan" to get this baby out into the world. Thank goodness the word induction was enough to scare our little lady out. I had already prepared for an induction, feeling disappointed and relieved, when I went to bed Thursday night. Around 3:30 AM I got up to go to the bathroom (again) when I heard a POP! Having never had my water break until delivery was emminent, I was not quite sure what to do. My first reaction was clinical, time, color, amount... I was hoping for a trickle, as some women describe, but I was not so lucky. Seriously, talk about messy. We don't get to choose, but I much prefer not having my water break. I am also very thankful that I was not in bed or some other fabric covered surface when it occured. Gross.

After a brief pondering, I decided to wake Brian up to get the in-laws over to the house. This at least gave me piece of mind that we could leave at a moment's notice if labor was faster than I expected. Called my midwife at 5 AM to give her the FYI. She was giddy. Contractions were minimal, so I decided to lay down for a bit. BIG MISTAKE. That brought on a huge contraction. At 6:30, it was time to call the midwife and get to the other side of town before things got unmanageable. I was 7 cm and still felt pretty good. It was all back labor again, but for some reason I was able to relax, open my eyes, and converse in-between contractions (in sharp contrast to my other two labors).

Brian was amazing during labor. He got all caught up in my midwife's excitement for each contraction. He began to welcome them, instead of fear them. He was the perfect counter-pressure masseuse during the intense contractions. Once we were at the hospital, it was time to use the birthing ball to encourage descent. It was quite comfortable, almost too comfortable. I actually had an 8 minutes reprieve and began to wonder if it was slowing things down when I had one of two incredibly memorable contractions. Hurt so bad I was asking for an emesis basin(yes, even in all the pain, I was still formal...no puke bucket for me.) That was the sign my midwife needed to get the jacuzzi tub going.

Me Just After One Serious Contraction

Still Managing to Get Comfort in the Breaks

Can I just say I am IN LOVE with the jetted tub. I know some may find it over-stimulating, but it felt amazing. I'm sure the contractions were still there, but I only felt the peaks. I wasn't able to fall asleep in between, but it was so comfortable. It was also nice not to be hooked up to IV fluids that would eventually make me look all puffy and bloated. No constant heart rate monitors and other cords that would keep me from moving into a comfortable position.

Brian's poor fingers really took a pinching. It may not seem like a lot, but I got great comfort just knowing they were always there for me to grab onto. Despite the pain, I was amazed at how warm the water stayed. At home it always cools off too quickly. Turns out they had to add ice water to cool the bath back down because a laboring woman generates so much heat that I was actually raising the water temperature! Insane. Memorable contraction number two had me wanting to puke again. This is when I overheard my midwife tell my husband, "We're having a baby!"

It was out of the tub and time to deliver. Let me just say it was the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced. Words really can't describe it. Then I hear "the baby is crowning." What, what, what? That's all. At that point I thought her head was halfway out! Only crowning!! Well, if she's crowning then just pull her out, why don't you? After an eternity (more like five minutes), she was finally with us in this world. I looked down at the baby on my chest and saw the head full of black hair and wondered, "who's baby is this?" I know it just came out of me, but my others looked so much alike, a light dusting of copper hair, blue eyes, pale skin.... But Bridget was beautiful and together (with a team great supporters) we accomplished my totally illogical goal for a completely unmedicated birth.

Bridget Elise

If any of you had the opportunity to talk to me this day, I apologize for the less than enthusiastic conversation. I was beyond exhausted. It took all the energy I could muster just to keep breathing. I'm sure I seemed rude, but I really was happy to talk to you. I really was thrilled and happy to meet my new Baby Bridget, but I had nothing left to express myself.

This Picture Perfectly Captures My Exhaustion

My Amazing Midwife

Bridget was born on her sister's birthday and we were honored.

Mommy and Baby All Cleaned Up

Autumn is Officially a Big Sister

Proud Papa, My Amazing Husband

Abigail Meeting Bridget

Tickle Toes

Daddy's Three Princess

Now the question is, had I known then, what I know now, would I go au'naturale again? Maybe. I'm glad I did it. I feel empowered and know that I can do anything I set my mind, too. But I have a new appreciation for the pain relief I received with my epidurals.

Welcome to the world and your family, Bridget Elise.

It's Started!!!!!

2009-09-04T02:18:00.000-07:00

Water broke almost 2 hours ago. Some contractions. It's about time.

12 days past the due date.

If You're in Chicago

2009-09-03T13:45:00.000-07:00

I can't possibly sum it up better than Brian did on his website.

Please follow the link if you would like to help a well-deserving family member and a chance to tell cancer to bugger off.

http://mightyshamrock.livejournal.com/
Entry: Not Only A Good Cause, Sept. 3, 2009

Might As Well Take Advantage of My Time

2009-09-02T05:31:00.000-07:00

Since I've got more time...I figured I would download some pictures. We have a new camera and I love it. I've been playing around with it some. They're nothing fancy, but it takes pictures super fast and crisp. Plus, the girls are now obsessed with having their picture taken.

My Little Egghead

My Little Princess

The Girls Giving the Baby Some Love

Girls Gawking at the Big Ol' Baby Tummy

Can You Find the Moth?

Baby Turtle, Slipped Under the Water Awfully Fast

Autumn Loves the Flowers, I Love Her Hair

Autumn Missed Abigail

Big Girl Autumn (insisted I get her shoes in the picture)

No Dice

2009-09-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

Well, the midwife appointment was less eventful than I had hoped. Not sure what I was expecting. Despite my knowledge to the contrary, I think many pregnant women look to their care providers as if they might have a crystal ball in their brains. Each appointment they hope to hear "you'll deliver this week or tomorrow is the day" despite that being totally illogical. You anxiously await the internal exam hoping that their is significance in the numbers, after all, doesn't 3 cm sound like you are closer to the onset of labor than 1 cm? You'd be wrong, but it sounds like it should. For the record, I'm at two. Why am I discouraged when I know this number to be meaningless? If this post has already given you the TMI willies, then check back in on another day.

At over 41 weeks, you start investigating ways to get the show on the road in hopes of avoiding a pharmaceutical induction. Despite personal evidence to the contrary (and not much scientific data to back it up), stripping of membranes is the next step to encourage the uterus to stop slacking and do its job. Alas, if your cervix is too posterior (like mine was), even this feeble attempt can not be performed. And nipple stimulation with a breast pump to promote the release of oxytocin...really it just makes you sore. Evening Primrose oil? Take it orally or apply it directly to the cervix...well, so long is there is no harm, why not?! I draw the line at castor oil. Because it's only effective if your body was ready to deliver anyway, so now you've taken the awful tasting stuff and have to deal with the shits while you're in labor. How is that a good idea?

So, I've got another appointment tomorrow afternoon to discuss "the plan" and a biophysical profile. Thought this was going to happen Monday, but there really was no indication, especially since this is not my first adventure past my due date and the baby is not going to be far off from average. Guess I'll post more tomorrow. If not baby news, then appointment fun it will be.

Missed Her Window

2009-08-31T05:39:00.001-07:00

I'm sure most people sneaking a peek at this blog are also on FB. If you're not, the posting hiatus does not mean that I have delivered. I've just been lazy.

When I was pregnant with Abigail, I delivered 9 days past my due date (went into labor on Day 8, but it was 19.5 hours and spilled into Day 9). Somewhere around 4 days past due, I arrived at a very Zen place. Rather than anxiously believe I could deliver at any moment, I'd decided that I'd missed my window and it just wasn't going to happen. We all know that the baby has to get out eventually, but it made those last few days much more relaxing. Well, I reached that stage a couple of days ago. I'm 8 days past my due date and I just figure she's missed her chance.

I will keep everyone posted, as I have a midwife appointment this afternoon (won't even acknowledge the ginormous amount of weight I've gained with this pregnancy...starting out lighter does not comfort my ego in the slightest) which will lead to an ultrasound appointment to check amniotic fluid levels, movement, heart rate, etc... Hopefully by evening we will have a plan of action and an end date in mind, but I'm hoping that this lady comes on her own. Abigail has placed her bets on tomorrow. Let's hope she's right!

Sometimes You Can't Escape Your Education

2009-08-27T12:24:00.000-07:00

No baby. Just to answer the question you were checking this site for.

I took Abigail to the allergist to see how much peanut she could eat before having a reaction. The baby cooperated and is still snuggly in my uterus. Despite it being the first week of school, we were willing to interrupt the routine to gather some important information about our daughter's allergy. Major let-down.

Upon scheduling the appointment (two months ago), they give no special instructions. They give you a reminder call the day before, and-oh-btw, please be sure you haven't given your child any anti-histamine for 48 hours. Well, too late for that. It is summertime and seasonal allergies are alive an well. If allergies weren't an issue for us, we wouldn't be regular visitors at the allergist, right? The nice lady tells us it should be ok and to come in anyway. We arrive, pay our co-pay (not cheap), go over Abigail's history, subject her to another scratch test to get a more relevant picture, only for the doc to say...."she really should be off her anti-histamine for 4-5 days to get an accurate response from the skin test and ingestion test." So, now we have to reschedule (another 2 month wait), I've interrupted an already stressful first week of school for my daughter, stressed over whether I would have to cancel last minute due to labor, all to find out nothing and have to come again.

This is the point that I can not escape my education. I think to myself if only a system had been in place to give the "heads-up" phone call a week in advance. If only they had conveyed that anti-histamines should be stopped for 4-5 days, not just 2 then this all could have been avoided. Instead, I wasted a lengthy appointment that could have better been filled by a new patient or several established patients. I spent time and money (resources in short supply these days) on something completely unproductive. As trendy as healthcare reform is these days, I can't help but see this as just another way that the system can be improved. It wouldn't cost a dime and the solution is not that complicated. A few simple changes can really go a long way to improving what is broken. I love our allergist, but everyone has room for improvement.

Looks like we'll try again in November and maybe I won't put the whole experience under a microscope again.

The Waiting Game

2009-08-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

Well, we seem to be doing a lot of waiting this year.

When will Brian get an interview for the all the jobs he's applied to?

Brian got an interview, when will they let us know if he has the job?

Repeat

I interview for nursing positions..oh a hiring freeze....when will I know if I have a job, let alone one on a unit I want?

Financial aid is behind, when will they be cutting checks?

Someone is having surgery, when will we hear they did ok?

Baby was due three days ago, when will she get here?!

Some of these questions have already been answered, but many are still unknowns. Many keep repeating themselves, only to leave us waiting some more. I am typically a pretty patient person, but I could really use a little predictability in my life. At least the option to look at the full hand and run through the various ways it will play out. I've tried to keep busy, but I am running out of distractions. While I will still be in waiting mode for some of these questions, I know for certain I will have one very tiny and adorable distraction in no more than 10 days.

Until then, I'll keep my ears open for all the shoes to drop.

Curious Ticker

2009-08-23T11:46:00.001-07:00

I've enjoyed the funny baby ticker I've had at the top of my blog for the last 32 weeks or so. I'm quite curious what it will say tomorrow or if the programmer decided to come up with quippy comments for 40 weeks, then quit. Given that 42 weeks is still within the realm of normal, I will be disappointed to have my ticker achieve it's conclusion before I achieve mine, delivery. I will also not be surprised.

Just keeping it low key today. Brian is working on freelance work and I'm trying to stand as little as possible. Mostly because this baby loves to give me inguinal charley horses that make my right leg give out on me and are most uncomfortable. Also, my midwife is out of town today. I figure, she ought to be back by late evening, so I would probably be safe going into labor sometime around dinner time. She ought to be back on call by the time I need her services. I can get through the first 70% of labor on my own. It's just that last hurdle that I need help with.

We'll see what tomorrow's morning appointment holds in store for us. A biophysical profile for early in the week and more waiting? We shall see.

What Really Matters

2009-08-21T17:13:00.000-07:00

Despite my previous posts, I am reminded today that it does not really matter when our baby arrives. We have no control over when we are born or when we die. Along the way, we will face challenges with jobs, disease, and family. While there is nothing I can do to control the inevitable, I can control how I respond to it. I can stress less about the "what ifs" that may or may not be and focus more on what is real and in front of me. I won't give up planning and organizing what little I do have control over, but the rest I will just take as it comes and come out the other side better and stronger for it.

In Case You Are Following

2009-08-20T17:58:00.000-07:00

No baby today. Autumn keeps saying the baby is still getting bigger until it 'pops' out. Makes me feel like Jiffy Pop.

Never know who really follows this blog. I imagine many of the followers are also on FB and are probably aware that I am still at home. I know some moms are great at tweeting, FB, blogging during labor, but I don't forsee that being me. The pain is overwhelming and I can really handle being separated from technology for 8-24 hours. For those of you anxiously awaiting, we will announce as soon as marvelled over our newest addition. She's ours and I'll be greedy and not feel guilty for keeping her off the web a whole 6-12 hours. Of course, I'm equally guilty of anxiously awaiting those first pics, the name and the basic stats.

I know, I know...I have no say over when she makes an appearance, but it would be very gracious of her to either come tomorrow or Friday or she should just wait a week. As I've mentioned, my midwife is out of town on Sunday. I can manage any other day (despite what is to follow), but not Sunday. My brother has surgery on Tuesday and it would be equally nice for my mom to meet her granddaughter fresh out of the oven and be with her son's family during their stress. If push comes to shove, my little lady will be just as tiny and cuddly 2 days after she is born. Both kids have appointments next Thurdsay at the same time, but at two different places. This would be much easier to accomplish with two parents. Once could be rescheduled, but still. Plus, Tuesday is the first day of school. Brian is a pro at getting the girls up and Abigail on the bus, but I would still like to see her off that first day.

So, if I may be so bold as to request from you, NuBaby Murphy....Please come in the next 48 hours, if not get comfy and wait until September. Thanks!

39 and 3

2009-08-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

Well, no baby yet. I've decided she was ready to come last week when I had all my aches and pains. But then I fell and bumped her back up. She's head down, but not nearly as snuggly in my pelvis as she was before. Sorry, lady. Actually, the pregnancy has been quite comfortable the last few days-- the knee is killing me, but not the belly.

I've just about completed her stocking. It really helped to have a name. Abigail keeps trying to sneek a peek at what name I've put on the stocking, but I won't let her see lest she spill the beans. I guess I wasn't clear because when I told her not to peek at the Christmas stocking, she asked, "I don't get to know her name until Christmas?" Silly girl. Of course she'll get to know the name as soon as the baby arrives.

Today was a double playdate day for Abigail, I'm picking up my diploma, and meeting up with a friend for a refreshing beverage. Tomorrow is Open House and we get to meet Abigail's teacher and learn what the daily schedule will be like for her. I imagine several forms to be filled out will accompany this event.

So, I suppose the baby can come any day. Brian can do most of this stuff, if I'm recovering at the hospital. My midwife has made just one request....I can not have this baby on my due date. She will be out of town that day. While her backup MD is very nice, I really don't want someone to just come in and catch the baby. I want my midwife there to encourage me, run me a bath, massage my back, suggest the birthing ball, keep me out of the bed and moving around. So, let's hope she cooperates. The other girls always accomodated Brian's print deadlines, so I figure the least this one can do is pick any other day to be born besides her due date. The chances of that happening are statistically low, anyway.

tick....tock....tick.....tock.....

39 weeks

2009-08-16T08:30:00.000-07:00

The waiting game is on. Now that the name has been decided, I'm getting ancy. I feel like I've finally done everything that I need to prepare for this new little lady and now it's just a matter of waiting for the other shoe (errr...baby) to drop. I am enjoying the time I have left with just two kids. Two is so easy. I should relax while I can. If you know me at all, you know I am horrible at doing nothing productive. At the same time, I would love to have a September baby so that Babigyrl can have a fun sounding birthday like her big sisters. Abgail has 05-04-03, Autumn has 11-11-05 and it's a holiday...wouldn't it be neat if we had a 09-01-09? Again, nothing I have control over and is meaningless in the big scheme of things, but it's still fun to me.

The next couple of weeks are going to be particularly busy. We got Abigail's first grade teacher assignmnet, we've got open house this week, then school starts a week from Tuesday. Throw in dentist appointments for the little ones, a peanut challenge for the big one, and an opportunity for a freelance gig for Brian as editor-for-the-day and our schedule is packed. It would also be nice to get my summer financial aid money before the baby arrives, especially since I have been done with school for 2 weeks now and will be picking up my degree this week. I am shocked and appauled that they were 13 weeks behind on cutting checks. I don't want to be sitting in financial aid with a 2 day old trying to hunt down the person who can end this confusion.

I'll keep ya'll posted if I feel any twinges of labor. My midwife says that all third time moms have at least one round of false labor, but at this stage in the game, I think I am comfortable with assuming any significant contractions are the real deal.

Random Aches and Pains

2009-08-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems for me that the third pregnancy is much achier than the first two. Again, I acknowledge that I am better off than most and some of the aches and pains are my own making. Like yesterday, I was at the pool with the girls when I see Autumn about eat the pavement. With the gracefulness of an elephant (and the weight of one, too), I leap out of the water and attempt to catch her before she skins her knees. Not only did I not reach her in time, but I came crumbling down like a Godzilla and skinned my knees. I surprised you didn't feel a small earth quake around 4 pm yesterday. And the ironic part is, Autumn didn't even skin her knees. Of course, a 38+ week pregnant lady falling freaks a lot of people out. I tried to reassure everyone I was fine, the belly did not make contact with the concrete and it's no biggie if this catastrophe sent me into labor because....38+ weeks, hello? Really I just felt embarassed that my own arms can't hold up my upper body anymore. This is very reminiscent of when I was prenant with Abigail. I was 40 weeks and tripped up my front porch. Got a huge scrape and bruise on my knee. Still didn't deliver for another 9 days and every time they said "pull back on your knees and give a big push" I cringed because everyone kept poking the still-healing, and quite painful, scab. Looks like I will have to accomodate a bum knee again during labor, only this time I'm hoping to find a less traditional, and scab-poking- way to push this baby out. Needless to say, my body now aches like a post car accident victim.

I have also had my first experiences looking like the characters on tv that go into labor who looks normal one moment, then doubles over in pain declaring a sudden and intense onset of labor. I mimicked this unrealistic portrayal of labor while waiting in line to return some items. Babigyrl (as my friends have named her) gave a whopping kick to the cervix-or possibly just engaged- forcing me to hunch over a little, grimace and control my breathing. Poor lady behind the counter asked me if I was okay, with a look of fear that I might deliver a baby right there in the store. I reassured her it was just a really strong kick, but I don't think I was very convincing.

Luckily, my doozy of a day was topped off with Girl's Night Out, turned into Surprise Baby Shower. I was just excited to finally catch up with friends after a gruelling 2 years of nursing school. The company was the best part. We got enjoy sitting out on the restaurant patio, I ate a delicious turtle cheesecake, I was relaxed and surrounded by friends. And as an added bonus, they came bearing gifts. I got cute little girl outfits with ruffle bottoms, gift cards (because we need lots of diapers), and a sleek new diaper bag (not too bulky, not too tiny, stylish even for dad to carry, and absent of 6 years worth of cheerio crumbs). They even joined it up with some cards and gifts for graduating from school. I'm not an overly gushy person, but I have been very touched by the support from friends for our new Babigyrl, my endeavours in grad school, and our seemingly endless journey in unemployment. With such a great group of friends, I know that we will always have someone there to rely on and remind us of what really matters in life. The very basic of necessities and a handful of incredible relationships.

THANKS LADIES!!

No Time for a Baby

2009-08-12T15:27:00.000-07:00

I have so much to do this week that I really don't have time to deliver a baby. Hopefully she will hold out.

Brian and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary yesterday. That means we've been together for 11 years. The time has absolutely flown by. I have to be honest, I love being married. I know some people say it's 'a lot of work', but I have always found that the best relationships are the ones that come naturally. No doubt we've been faced with the stresses of parenting, moves, unemployment and grad school (twice). While those have been challenging, I wouldn't say they made us have to work harder at being married. With communication and compromise, we can plow through the tough life stuff and enjoy the good stuff. Happy 8th Anniversary Brian. I love you through and through.

No Time for Words

2009-08-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

I shall try to sum up the latest hiatus in pics. No baby pics yet, folks, but we've been plenty busy around here.

A generous and well-organized classmate of mine hosted a baby shower for me and my pregnant classmates. Loads of fun and very generous gifts. Thanks ladies and gentlemen.

Then I presented my Capstone Project and was officially done with school work! This is what was waiting for me when I arrived home thanks to Brian and my Mom and my friend Marie.

Then I had my graduation and pinning ceremony.

I devoured the Twilight series thanks to a friend of a friend that kept my supply up.

I've lived in C-ville for 5 years and have never tried Sticks. A real shame, but it was tastey.

Took my mom to the Kluge-Ruhe Aboriginal Art Museum for her birthday. Awesome.

This week is just as busy. I'm down to weekly appointments with my midwife every Monday. We're going out for our 8 year anniversary on Tuesday. I've got a date with my girlfriends to catch up after my very busy summer (and my BFF who has been out of town for over a month). After that, I think the baby can arrive (so long as it is before 3 days before the first day of school, or one day after). Not that I have any say, but the other girls were very good at abiding by deadlines and I'm hoping this little lady is no exception.

Intriguing, I know...

Almost the End of an Era

2009-07-29T06:11:00.000-07:00

So today kicks off my class's final presentations. It feels so great to being so close to the end. The irony isn't lost on me that I am scheduled to present on the very last day, only third from the end. I will also be 36 and 5 days pregnant at the time. Not presenting today instead of Friday was really going to buy me that much time, but still. I'm kind of excited to present because I dug deep and got creative with PowerPoint. The audience will be amazed.

As for the rest of life, I have been obsessively reading the Twilight series (I resisted as long as I could and I've fallen into the trap with the rest of you). I am currently craving my habit while I wait for a friend of a neighbor to drop off the last two books. The library wait is 35 deep and I can't justify buying the books on our budget. Withdrawal sucks.

Our family of four is soon to be a family of five. I had another midwife appointment on Monday. Abigail shared with her her overwhelming Star Wars knowledge. It was very cute. Baby is kicking up a storm and I don't think she really gets the whole "fetal position" thing. I think she prefers jumping jacks.

I realized today that I've got 3.5 weeks left +/- 2 if I go to term. That means I could be just 10 days away from delivering!!! Given my track record, I'm thinking I probably have 39 days left, but anything is possible. I have also hit the weight that I was at when I delivered the other two. I always had a theory that, despite starting off ten pounds lighter with this pregnancy, my body was going to strive to hit the same maximum density. I guess my body is being an over-achiever this time around because I think it will break it's record by a couple of pounds. Dandy. Just don't leave any stretch marks and I'll forgive you.

Lucky for me, the nursery is all ready to go. We are just reusing all of Autumn's stuff, so it really was an easy feat. Thanks go out to all my classmates that threw me (and my two other pregnant classmates) a baby shower last weekend. Diapers galore...I'm in heaven. Now I've just got to pack my overnight bag for the hospital and look into pre-registering. Who wants to get to the hospital 8 cm dilated and then find out they have to fill out a bunch of paperwork.

Well, all that's left is picking out a name for this little lady. We promise we will have a name. Even if we miraculously agree on something a week before the baby gets here, we're not telling. You'll just have to wait like everyone else. Can't wait to see what the future holds.

Post-Secret Inverted

2009-07-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

So, I got tagged by my SIL to do this little meme. I'm not sure I can come up with 20, but I will give it my best. In short, I will list some of my thoughts and feelings about someone without mentioning who they are directed to. She described it much more eloquently than I am, so I will quote her, "Basically, you list 20 things you would love to say to various people in your life, without attaching names or context ."

Praises may be spoken aloud more often than grievances, but I still don't think they are said nearly enough.

1. I don't like it when you take credit for my accomplishments. I'm not saying you haven't contributed, but you are not the only one who could have helped me get to where I am today.

2. It's not always about you.

3. Spending time with you is always a blast. It's like we're kindred spirits. Know that you can accomplish anything you set your mind to because you are smart, funny, and kind.

4. You may be strong willed, but you challenge me daily and I am better for it.

5. Your generosity and sweetness is something I strive to achieve. If everyone were like you the world would be a much better place.

6. There's too much history to toss it all aside, despite that I regularly feel like I give more than I get. I know you are going through a tough time, but is there ever a time that you're not?

7. We may have very different personalities, but we agree on the important stuff and that is what makes our relationship so rich and balanced.

8. To each his own. I am not judging you. If you feel judged, then maybe you are not comfortable with yourself or your choices.

9. I know behind your actions are always good intentions. If you were upfront about them, then I wouldn't feel like you were trying to steal my power.

10. How did you get so jaded and cynical? Life isn't always easy, but good or bad this is life. Make the most of it and appreciate what you have or you will die having done nothing and being miserable the whole time.

11. It's not always your way or my way. There are many ways, neither right nor wrong, and that is okay.

Well, 11 will have to do. I have to get lunch ready for the girls and this can be quite time consuming. I think just about all of those apply to more than one person. If you think it isn't about you, it probably is. If you think it is about you, you're probably right because I've probably said directly to you. Does this post make me sound bitter or content? It is what it is, I suppose.

Unbelievable

2009-07-14T14:09:00.000-07:00

I can not believe there is only 16 days, 10 hours, and 45 minutes left until nursing school is over.

I can not believe that there is only ~40 days until our new baby girl arrives (and we still don't have a name).

I can not believe I will not receive my summer financial aid before my last day of class.

I can not believe how hard it is to find a job in this economy, but us Murphys are a strong and persistent people.

I can not believe how often I have to pee. My bladder will be happen to no longer be a punching bag.

I can not believe that I wouldn't be upset if this baby came a week or two early so that I can spend extra time with her and be less miserable. I love being pregnant, why is it less fun this time?

I can not believe how excited the girls get when I blow a bubble with gum. If only I was so easily amused.

Don't Stereotype...It's Not the Hormones

2009-07-07T12:48:00.000-07:00

***ignore the formating, i've tried to fix it at least 5 times and damn blogspot keeps omitting my spacing. Just add it to the rant***

No doubt, life of late has been a little stressful. School, unemployment, baby-on-board, and ridiculous comments from the public-at-large. Here's a little sampling from today's remarks:

"Wow, you really are pregnant!" from a well-meaning professor.

"You must be due any day now." from a random patron at the grocery store.

"Indulging today?" from the grocery checker in reference to a piece of chocolate. I tell said grocery checker, "It's not for me. My husband is having a bad day and I thought he would enjoy a piece of cake."

Well, this just launches the grocery checker into a tale about how people try to spend money to indulge themselves and make themselves feel better. About how in this economic climate indulging ourselves does not help us save money and invest in things that bring about true happiness....seriuosly?

Look lady, I spent $1 on a piece of chocolate cake. It's not some fancy, bakery $5-a-slice-piece-of-decadence. And so what if I do choose to attempt indulging a little. Believe me, I am all too aware of how sucky our economy is right now. I feel it every day.

To top it off, my discount card reflects my awesome UVA discount and the grocery checker immdiately assumes it is my husbands employee discount. What, can't a pregnant lady grocery shopping in the middle of the afternoon be the owner of a UVA discount?

For the record, my 'indulgent' self saved $13.59 on a grocery bill of $30.12. Just ask my husband, I am painfully thrifty. And while I may be carrying bigger than I did with my first two pregnancies, I am in no way large in any noteworthy way.

Here are a couple of cute pics of the girls, just to show I'm not all spit and spunk. (and a gorgeous pregancy a friend of mine took just two weeks ago to show I'm not that huge).

Me and my cute husband at a wedding a month ago.

I can not believe it's anther pic of me and Brian. We never have pics of the two of us.

Sweet little Autumn. Don't let the shy smile fool you!

Always dramatic and girly. Abigail on the 4th.

A plug for my friend's photography http://www.kerihensleyphotography.com/

(and for the record, that is not that ginormous for 31 weeks)

Happy 5th!

2009-07-05T12:16:00.000-07:00

I suppose more people enjoy the festivities of the 4th, but I'm really enjoying the sleepy Sunday that is the 5th of July. Today marks 33 weeks of pregnancy, and despite what my ticker says, I do not have cankles. Pregnancy brings with it all sorts of stereotypical ailments... morning sickness, swelling, sore back, waddling, gaining the weight of a 3, 4, or 5 year old.... I am very grateful that I am not one of them, I tend to get the more unusual pubic symphisis pain or tingly toes. My midwife appointment this past week was very reassuring. My month of uber-weight gain magically reversed itself. Instead of the two-pound a week pace I had gained or the one pound a week gain expected, I came in at 1/2 pound a week. Can't say that I did that much different, the body just decided to slow down its pound-packing pace. Thank goodness.

Found another great car seat sale and purchased Autumn her new car seat just like Abigail's RadianXT. Two super sleek car seats and room for the infant seat. Woo Hoo! Three car seats can safely be installed in our VUE. What a relief. It's nice to have that weight off my shoulders. I'm not big on 'gut feelings', but for some reason I feel like this baby isn't go to allow me to enjoy the extra time of being post-due like my others did. Just getting me through the program without too much stress has been more than I can ask for, so my hoping she will hold out until September just makes me feel like I'm pressing my luck. I figured Brian's job loss was a big enough Whammy for one pregnancy, but I am prepping myself for one more.

4th of July was fun and relaxing. A morning at the pool, a little work on a group project during the girls' naps, then off to a BBQ with some friends. All 8 kids played awesome together. No fighting or tears, just hours of fun. We were hoping to make it to the city fireworks, but after a 15 minutes of driveway fireworks, it was clear the little ladies were bonking fast. Poor Abigail was so tired at 9:15 that she cried most of the way home. And, let the record reflect, the girls did NOT sleep in this morning. Instead, they're just cranky because they didn't get enough sleep. It was worth for the special occasion, but I don't know how parents keep their kids up regularly and not go clinically insane.

I will try to post pictures later in the month. Our digital camera is a real thorn in my already lazy picture documentation of my kids' lives. It's slow to snap a shot and the batter loses it's charge lickety-split. Plus, this next week I plan on completing my last 60 clinical hours, plus 6 hours of class and homework. Any spare time I have will be with the girls or Brian. The internet fans will have to wait.

Hope everyone out there is shiny and happy.

Happy Birthday

2009-06-25T11:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, Brian!!!

It's been a crazy year juggling my school schedule, pregnancy, job loss, overall family craziness...

Next year is sure to bring us hope, security, comfort and happiness....in addition to sleep deprivation and lots of schedule juggling. I wouldn't want to go through any of this with anyone else. Plus, despite all the stresses, we still have a lot of fun together.

Go Team! Happy Birthday! Here's to a great year ahead!

Kisses.

A New Week

2009-06-22T05:43:00.000-07:00

I can not believe there are only 38 days left until my Master's is complete. That is very exciting and a little nerve wracking. There is certainly no room to procrastinate at this point. Plus, if school is that close to being done, then I am that much closer to meeting the newest baby murph.

I spent my week "off" attempting to catch up on school work, but an inability to focus means I didn't get very far. I did find myself in remedial CarSeat 101 again. Seriously, I now know why 75% of car seats are not installed correctly (and if you think you are not one of them, you would likely be wrong). We had already replaced the expired infant seat for the new baby, one that we hope will get us through the first year (provided she isn't a long string bean like her sisters). Autumn's car seat was due to expire in September, but she has gotten too tall for it. So, in an effort to save money, she will get Abigail's high back booster/5 point harness until 40 pounds. Abigial will get the new RadianXT we ordered, but since she is 48 pounds you can not install it using the LATCH system anymore. If you are not a mom, you may not realize how much easier it is to install a seat with LATCH. So between all the different height limits and weight limits of each seat and the weight limit on the LATCH system and deciding between 5-point v. shoulder/lap restraint and don't forget all three need to be narrow enough to be safely installed three across in a Saturn VUE....my head is going to explode. Of course, each state has its own laws regarding how old/heavy/tall a child must be before they can graduate booster status (in VA you have to be in a booster through your 7th year, so you graduate when you turn 8). Really, it shouldn't be this hard to keep your kids safe. A little standardization would be swell.

We will upgrade Autumn to a 5-point harness that goes up to 65 pounds when she outgrows the high back booster and we aquire an income. Safety isn't cheap. And don't even get me started on the Civic Coupe which I now view as a total death trap. We will make a point of driving the kids around in that as rarely as possible. As it is, I can not safely get three car seats in it anyway.

Well, I must finish up my assignments. Brian is off to take a copy editing test in the long, drawn out efforts of trying to become gainfully employed. The hours will be very challenging paired up with my inconsistent nursing orientation schedule, but we'll get through it. Given the events that have occured in my life this past year, I can get through just about anything. It may not be ideal, but I will make the best of it and it won't be forever. Wish us luck.

Bang, Bang...A Bulleted Update

2009-06-18T14:26:00.000-07:00

Since my last post I've:

6/2: 6 hours of class. Apply for parking pass one day late because they don't let you apply the day before your pass expires. Go figure.
6/3: 12.5h clinical
6/4: 11 hour clinical
6/5: Abigail's last day of Kindergarten. So proud of her. Drive to DE for a wedding.
6/6: Attended a beautiful wedding and reception in DE. The weather and company couldn't have been more enjoyable. Slight snafu with the dress I brought (the ladies were bigger than I thought. Ran out one hour before departure to find a dress that fit properly).
6/7: Drove back home from DE.
6/8: 12 hour clinical
6/9: 6 hours of class + 9 hours of clinical
6/10: Appt with midwife- up 10 pounds...holy crap...already topped what I gained with either of the other girls...I blame stress, although it's more likely the new found ability to eat sugar + 9 hours of clinical. Brian had a job interview...woo hoo!
6/11: Finally a day "off". Day spent catching up on homework, cleaning 3 bathrooms, mopping kitchen, playing with the kids and cooking up a tray of ziti. Happy Birthday MIL!
6/12: Brian takes the girls away for the weekend while I immerse myself in clinical- 9 hours today. I'm so exhausted I go to bed at 7:30.
6/13: 12 hour clinical
6/14: 12 hour clinical
6/15: 8 hour clinical and I finally get to see my little ladies and my man. Exhausted. Cooked chicken for a casserole the next day.
6/16: Woke up to find chicken still cooling on the counter. Class and last minute assignment submission. Pick up more chicken on the way home and make casserole.
6/17: A day off, it rained and poured all day. Put away laundry, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned bedrooms, ran around town with Abigail to find father's day and birthday gifts for Brian.
6/18: The girls let me sleep in until 7:30, it was amazing. Played with the girls, wrote thank-you notes, completed handout to distribute for my class project, started writing assignment, finally got around to blogging. Brian did not get the job...boo hoo :(

There are many other things that I did not touch on. Just too much to address in this blog. Between finishing out the final intense weeks of the nursing program, nearing the end of my pregnancy, feeling the pressures of the horrible economy....oh, and did I mention that student loans are delayed by two months because of a new computer system they are implementing at Financial Aid. Ya, that's exactly what I need right now.

I'm going to try to enjoy my few days off. I am commitment-free until class on Tuesday and am going to try to enjoy my family and "free" time. I try to stay optimistic and believe everything will work out for us. We're smart and hard-working people. We live within our means. We have many college degrees. Those traits and a $1.00 won't even get you a cup of coffee these days.

Mood: disappointed and overwhelmed.

Car 54...Where Are You?

2009-06-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

I always wonder if anyone even reads this blog. It's neither here nor there, as I blog more in the hopes of printing off my entries to give to the girls when they get bigger. I tried keeping a diary in high school, but my brother and his friends kept reading...typical, no? Then I did some good journaling in college, but let that fade away. I don't have the inclination to start a traditional paper journal, so I'm hoping this blog will capture my memories and mood which I can later collate into something.

I have completed 2 weeks of school. Just 9 to go. I am scrambling to get in enough clinical hours by my personal deadline of July 13th. This date will give me a couple of weeks to write my paper, compile my presentation and get me off my feet by 34 weeks. This pregnancy is decidely more uncomfortable than the last two. Be it age, be it the third time my body has been rearranged, or maybe the 12 hour shifts (adding up to about 50+ clinical hours a week some weeks, plus class, plus my day off which includes grocery shopping and laundry and running around after the princesses). Regardless, I know it could be much worse, but it does make me a little sad. I really enjoyed pregnant. I never wished for the baby to come early (and this one certainly does not have the option of an early arrival). But I think I will be a little relieved to have my body back to its mostly comfy shell.

At any rate, I'm off to cook up some meals for the week and maintain a little sanity in the chaos.

Girl vs. Boy

2009-05-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

So, if you're anything like me, when you're pregnant you weigh the pros and cons of having a boy or a girl. Ultimately, it did not matter, but I'll share with you my list and explain why this even matters since we already know we are having a girl.

A Boy:
Pros:
we quickly agreed on a name.
we'd get a whole new persepective on life.
he'd have lots of nephews to play with.

Cons:
We'd need to gather boy clothes and toys.
We'd be faced with the decision...to circumcise or not?
We'd have to worry about getting sprayed during diaper changes.
The fear of unlimited energy little boys potentially possess.
Everyone and their brother who thought we were going to have a boy would feel like "they knew it." Nobody knows it, it's a 50/50 guess. I didn't feel like hearing 95% of the people I know say "I told you so."

A Girl:
Pros:
we've got clothes for years to come.
we've got lots of pink and girly toys.
they are so cute to dress up.

Cons:
THE NAME....there are many names Brian loves, many I love; but the problem lies in the lack of names that we both love. I can't say that there are any that we both like, rather a lucky few that we don't cringe over.

We are on the cusp of my third trimester and the name game hovers over us like a dark cloud.

Believe me, I've heard it all before...

"Will you continue with the "A" names?"...This was not intentional the first time around. We just happened to like two names that began with the letter "A". I will neither avoid, nor go out of my way to have another "A" name.

"Will the babies middle name rhyme with the big girl's...Paige and Sage?" Again, not intentional. Sage was just as big a contender for the first name. They were names we liked, they just happened to rhyme. (FYI: don't use up all of your favorite names on one kid, then there is nothing leftover for the rest of them).

"You could name the baby after yourselves.".... no, we can't. Our names have served us well, but aren't anything we want to pass along. Sorry.

This little lady can't go unnamed forever. We'll let you know when she's born in 13+/- weeks.

Now, let's see if we get lucky and get another fun birthday.
Abigail kicked off the trend with 05-04-03.
Autumn followed up with 11-11-05 (in addition to having the redunant number, she also always gets her birthday on a holiday).
Baby girl Murphy...will you hold out until September to get a fun 09-0#-09 or will you try to convince me that random numbers can be just as fun? Only time will answer these questions.

Desire Escaped Me

2009-05-22T13:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I meant to get back to posting about my birthday extravaganza, but did not feel compelled to blog anything. Too much school, no job, no vacation stresses. But, I did have a delightful birthday. A visit from my mom was enjoyable and she stuffed us with lots of delicious food. A birthday gift from her included a trip for Brian and I to the Melting Pot. Delicious. If you've never been, you are missing out. Top it off with sushi (no raw fish, of course) and Belgian pecan waffles and I may as well count on gaining 5 pounds this month. Brian got me lovely gifts, including maternity tops, movies, music, carrot cake and unconditional love.

Now, it's back to reality. I have spent the last 5 days attending class, working on my Capstone project, 24 hours of clinical, 2 assignments, and many school related emails. I'm am feeling a slight bit of relief knowing that I can cram in a bunch of clinical hours over the next few weeks in hopes of getting my hours completed around the first week of July. With the burgeoning belly, I will do just about anything to get this requirement off my shoulders. It is far easier to stand on your feet for 12 hours the smaller the belly is. Given that I am in the NICU, I am no stranger to concept of premature labor. Two post-term pregnancies is no guarantee it can't happen to me. So, I will try to get as much done as early as possible. On the plus side, I get to walk around the unit and see how big my baby is it weren't contained in my womb. It's amazing.

Brian is still on the job hunt and is juggling the children excellently while I am fully immersed in finishing up this degree. Hopefully everything will work out soon and we can just enjoy being an employed family. I know money isn't everything, but those pesky bills seem to feel otherwise. I would have no trouble paying in hugs or cuteness.

All About Me-Mother's Day

2009-05-14T15:15:00.000-07:00

Well, this week has been one big Kerri-party. It kicked off with an amazing Mother's Day. I got to sleep in a little while Brian did some dishes and got the girls dressed. Then we enjoyed delicious Dunkin' Donuts. If you've know me for a while, you may recall the food sensitivity ordeal I've juggled since before I got married. Well, three pregnancies and chemical changes later and I seem to tolerate just about anything that crosses my path. I haven't had a Dunkin' Donut in about 9 years and it was deliciuos. That Vanilla Kreme donut pretty much sugared me out for the day. I then got to open presents from the most thoughtful family ever. The girls made me cards and decorated flower pots at school. I now have the task of trying to keep those babies alive. I am completely capable of sustaining life (evidenced by Abigail and Autumn), but when it comes to plants the desire is lacking. Abigail also made me a rainbow-painted clay turtle. Brian thoroughly pampered me. I got a super fluffy white spa towel to go with a bubbly, massaging foot spa. Given the pregnancy and the long clinical shifts this summer, this is a dream come true. He even got me a Cosmo to read while soaking my pups (you know, the sex issue, because which issue isn't?). To indulge my love of period-era movies, he bought me The Duchess. How have I never heard of this movie? It is totally me. Then, since Abigail was Brian's shopping helper, I got some Lip Smackers lip glosses in Vanilla and Birthday Cake. Sparkly fun. I even got a card from the new baby. Brian took the girls to visit his mom for the morning, which gave me the house to my house for a bit. I flipped through the ads, took a nap, and read my book. Then Brian brought home some KFC for lunch (I know. I must be pregnant). Then the girls just played sweetly all afternoon while I relaxed. I made a light salad for dinner (Given I was stuffed from the food earlier) and caught up on some Heros with Brian. Nothing better than curling up on the sofa my man.

Well, the rest of the week will have to wait until another post. This one was much longer than I had planned and it's time to get my baby girls tucked into bed.

A Baby Boy

2009-05-05T17:14:00.000-07:00

My friend, who went into preterm labor 2 weeks ago had a baby boy. He's in the NICU, but both mom and baby are doing well. The little guy just needs to grow a little, breath, and learn to eat. At 34 weeks, he overcome many of the hurdles. Let's think positive thoughts and hope for smooth sailing.

What a Week

2009-05-05T05:00:00.000-07:00

To save time, my week will be summed up in pictures and bullets.

I was on a cooking frenzy: cinnamon muffins for Teacher Treats Day, dinner for a friend in need, sugar cookies for classmates, brownies for Abigail's party, Rice Krispie Treats for Abigail's class....

All of the girls' clothes were organized by age (0 months-7 years)...we could open our own boutique!
Classes were completed on Thursday with a presentation. Woo Hoo!
To celebrate I got a "warning" ticket for parking over the "stall lines". $45 dollars when cars were able to park on either side of mine and no one had to squeeze to get into or out of the car....

We set up bunk beds for the girls and reorganized their newly shared room.

The nursery is still a work in progress.

According to Abigail (and all of her teachers), she had the most awesomest 6th birthday party-May the Force be With Her. (Note to self: boys are WAY more active than girls)

We enjoyed a visit from my friend from high school. It was lovely to catch up with her and her husband and the girls were absolute dolls.

Autumn and I took Abigail a Happy Meal as a special birthday lunch. Abigail is not a shy child and took full advantage of the fact that the Asst. Prinicpal was willing to lead the cafeteria in singing Happy Birthday to her.

Torturous, I know, but Abigail had to have her allergist appointment on her birthday. Starting tomorrow we Abigail will be start integrating Abigail into the mainstream nutty tables.

Pin the Explosion on the Spaceship

Party Game: Hot Asteroid with Star Wars Music

Clone Trooper Abigail and her Birthday Brownie

Time to Blow Out the Candles

Decoration Station

Autumn Decorating with a Little Help from Dad

The Girls (the boys are playing in the background)

Gift Helper Autumn with A Humongous Bag

The Birthday Girl with One of her Many New Lego Sets

Autumn was a Trooper with all the Attention Showered on Abigail

(She also has crazy hair)

The New Bunkbeds

Girls R Us

2009-04-29T07:30:00.001-07:00

I just went through ALL of the girls' clothes. I could set up my own store there are so many. This newest edition is not going to need a stitch of clothing. Between Abigail being born in the Spring and Autumn born in the Fall, we've got every season covered in every stage. And honestly, all of the clothes are in stellar condition. I have to say having girls makes it easy on the hand-me downs. Rarely have I had to throw out an outfit at the end of the season because it got stained or torn up. I don't think Abigail has ever stained anything (she came this dainty, I just got lucky) and Autumn has only ruined a few outfits at daycare (ravioli to 2 year olds without a bib? Not a bright idea).

Admittedly, I am nesting quite early. For starters, the girls' bunk beds will be arriving this weekend and we'll begin the transition to sharing a room. Secondly, I have a bit of a break before summer session starts. I will roughly be doing 36 hours of clinical time, plus 7 hours of class time, plus study time, plus family time. That doesn't leave a lot of time for nesting this summer. The next opportunity I have is the beginning of August when I'll be 37 weeks. If you know me at all, you know that I would be a stress monkey knowing I had that hanging over my head all summer. That's a little too last minute for me. While I have traditionally delivered late, and I'm hoping this time is no exception, things don't always work out the way we'd hoped.

So, this time next week I will have all the big girls' room and the nursery all set up, leaving me time to relax and enjoy the girls whenever I can this summer.

IT"S A.........

2009-04-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

GIRL !!!

We had a lovely day yesterday. I spent the morning destroying a cake. It was quite embarassing. I love to decorate cakes, but with a broken A/C (temps 85), the icing kept melting and I was making a HUGE mess. I had pink icing between the layers, but when the top cake cracked in the lava-like icing glow, I ditched the top layer. That left me with a pink top layer which was suppose to be hidden. Then I needed a gender neutral color and tried to make orange out of my pink; hoping to avoid a peachy girly look. This is what happens when I don't get to drink a beer while decorating my cakes (a tradition of mine I look forward to getting back into this Fall).

But our friends and family arrived to learn of the exciting news. Everyone was a good sport about the broken A/C. Stories were shared, hugs were given, the kids played so quietly, and the baby was in a delightful mood. The big sisters were showered with dresses and Abigail got a jump on her birthday gifts.

To make the announcement, the plan was to have the girls pull out two little outfits we bought the new baby (after all, the girl is going to get a lot of hand-me downs and needs something to call her own). Autumn was being grumpy. Note to self: next time you include toddlers in the big reveal, make sure they want to play the game. Of course, like have a moody flower-girl in your wedding, it adds a little charm to the event. (FYI: The pink outfit says "Little Lady", which is my nickname for my girls).

I was also charmed and amused that my friends brought a gift for a boy or a girl! Those ladies are prepared. We did coo over the boy gifts that were not-to-be, just because it's the thought that counts and little boy outfits with squirrels on them are cute. Here is a pic of the princesses new wardrobe.

I have also finished up classes for the semester. Just have to do one last presentation on Thursday, but I've already completed it. I will take this break to reorganize baby girl clothes, spend some time taking a trip down memory lane, read a book, and maybe get the girls set up with bunk beds. I also get to go on a field trip with Abigail's kindergarten class to the Shenandoah mountains. The girls will also get a sleepover at Gramma and Grandpa's house so that Brian and I can celebrate my birthday. Never thought I would consider sleeping-in a birthday present, but it means a lot now.

Now, if that A/C guy would just swing on by to cool off this house.

Very, Very Exciting News

2009-04-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

To be announced tomorrow.

The ultrasound on Wednesday went perfectly...perfect 3 vessel cord, perfect heart, perfect brain, perfect bloodflow, perfect kidneys, perfectly cooperated.... The tech even mentioned how easy the baby made her job; let's just hope the baby is equally cooperative when it makes its arrival.

The girls were with us to watch. Despite prepping the girls with YouTube videos of what to expect, Autumn was still pretty nervous. She curled up in daddy's lap and we watched some BabyTV. The tech started at the top with a cross-section of the skull. Abigail's reactions "what a cute head!". She is my daughter.

We will be announcing the gender to the family tomorrow and will share the news with the masses tomorrow evening. We are very excited and can not wait to meet the newest Murph. No doubt, our lives will be very different come September.

Almost 23 weeks. Just 17 to go. (and less than 100 days of school, in case anyone else is as excited about that as I am!)

A Moment's Pause

2009-04-21T12:23:00.000-07:00

A very good friend of mine went into pre-term labor this weekend. Having spent many hours, critically analyizing the NICU, I am confident she and her baby will get excellent care. Now we all just have to hope for the best.

Granted, I see premature births everyday, but it is easier to dissociate from it when they aren't people you know. It was like miscarriage...I rarely thought about it with my first two pregnancies, but I was plagued by the thought this time around. Somehow knowing so many women who had recently had the experience made it seem more real. Totally illogical, as I know their miscarriages did not change my odds one bit. And my odds with a third pregancy were no different than with my first two. But some how, it felt like it could be more real. I am not going to stress over premature labor, but it does make me reflect on the possibility. This kid just needs to hang out until July 31st (37 weeks), so that I can get my degree complete. The other two always accomodated Brian's print deadline, so maybe this one can accomodate me.

Now I'm off to cook up meals and plan a goodie basket for the overwhelmed family. It's not much, but the rest is out of my hands.

The Big Ultrasound

2009-04-20T13:01:00.000-07:00

I'm getting very excited. The ultrasound is less than two days away. We will be torturing everyone and making them wait until Saturday to do the big reveal. I can not wait for all four of us to see the newest member of the family, with it's alien-like appearance, on the ultrasound screen. A little heart beat, hands and feets wiggling, and at the end of the day hopes for a healthy baby.

In the meantime, I am very busy planning and organizing. Just found some bunk beds at a great price on Craigslist (haven't heard back from the seller, but it is a great find), organizing Abigail's Star Wars themed birthday party, and we're all set for our little BBQ on Saturday. Finding out the gender will put me in serious nesting mood. I can go through all the baby boxes and know if I need to keep-and-clean it or sale it. This is just what the planner in me has been craving.

Now that the semester is wrapping up, I'm already prepping for the marathon that will be summer session. Hopefully this will just be more time consuming than actual papers and projects. But I am ready to get it started so that I can finish it.

When I look into the future, the details are pretty vague. Right now I know I will be working as a NICU nurse. Soon I will know if I have a house full of girls or if I will have a little boy outlier. A little more definition. I will almost be able to see the whole future if we're all lucky and Brian finds a job. That will answer if we get the luxury of him working from home again (ideal) or if he will be in an office M-F (no complaints, we'll just be thankful to have a paycheck) and will the baby be a sleeper (not betting on it, given our track record).

In the meantime, I'm just going to enjoy the moment and appreciate all the stuff that we do have.

Intentions Only Get You So Far

2009-04-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I had every intention of updating more frequently, but I can see that isn't going to happen. I am pulling myself out of the school trenches and hope to see daylight sometime late Wednesday night. There will still be two assignments left, but nothing quite so weighty. Clinical time has been completed for the semester which was hugely time consuming (in a good way, dont' get me wrong).

When I do have breaks, I like to spend them with the girls and Brian, no offense internets. I have been busy planning our little Baby Reveal party and visiting family over Easter weekend (it all ironically fell on Easter weekend because I do not find Easter to be a holiday that necessitates with a visit with all the family members or worthy of numerous planned events). I've also been doing some research on Star Wars themed birthday parties, since Abigail is just smitten with the movies and is declaring this the year of the Star Wars party. It's quite a different way of thinking, given the girly girliness that has consumed my life the last 6 years.

The baby is kicking up a storm, but Brian still can't feel it. I refuse to let anyone else even try until Brian declares he can feel a kick. That is a first that I feel should be reserved for the papa. I have also recently been getting grumpy over all of the volunteered opinions thrown at me and extra gushiness. I know everyone means well, but I am not a gushy person. The more excited you become, the less excited I become. Makes no sense, I know. Blame hormones or life stress, but it is what it is. I also find well-intentioned often means the other person does for you what they would like done for them in a similar situation without taking the time to ask me what I need or want. If you ask, you might find we want the same thing, but you just might find my needs are completely different.

Well, that certainly is a sour note to end on. If it helps, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am taking time to enjoy the happy moments in my life (of which there are many) amongst the chaos, and if nothing else, I am now able to enjoy a delicious slice of cake without any undesirable consequences. Sweet sugar, here I come.

Brian's Dream Come True

2009-04-06T15:44:00.001-07:00

Abigail just totally made Brian's day. My sister gave Brian an old Empire Strikes Back book with a 7" record. A fun trip down memory lane peaked Abigail's interest. She even said she would consider a Star Wars themed birthday this year if she likes the movie. She and Brian will have a father-daughter movie date this week. Too cute.

And this is why having girls is awesome. There is nothing that you can do with a little boy that you can't also do with a little girl. On the contrary, people would probably look at me funny if I dressed a boy up in a pink tutu with pink sparkle lip gloss.

Sweet Story

2009-04-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

Abigail had a book swap at school. She took in ten books that she didn't want anymore and got to trade them in for other books that her peers didn't want anymore. She made some great picks that were, by far, much more interesting books than the books we donated. We have now have a small collection of Clifford, Toy Story, Pinkalicious, Hello Kitty, and How to Draw books. But the very best part of all is when Abigail said, "I picked this one out for Autumn because I thought she would like it." How generous to give up a book for yourself to get something for you little sister (and no one even asked her to do it). I wish I could take the credit, but she was just born a sweet and thoughtful child. I'm so proud of her (gush, gush).

Grumpy Pants

2009-03-27T06:47:00.001-07:00

I am tired of always wearing grumpy pants lately. I am actually making a concious effort to be less grumpy and it's just not working. There are lots of things I can blame...gloomy weather, hormones, abyssmal economy, inept professors and school stresses. The list goes on and on. The good news is that I love my clinical setting. Spending 12 hours in the NICU flies by and I am never grumpy.

I also find that this pregnancy is just flying by. With all the madness, if I didn't make a daily effort to acknowledge the little baby kicking around inside me, I would completely forget I was pregnant. I suppose I should be thankful that I don't have the morning sickness or achey joints or fatigue that so many others have to remind me that my body is really busy hosting a long-term house guest. But sometimes those pains force you to focus on yourself and push aside all of your other less important worries. I also find that I am less inclined to daydream with such looming uncertainties. I want to surf for nursery themes and ways to turn Abigail's room into one that is equally geared to herself and Autumn since they will soon be sharing a room. I want to dream up an awesome nursery theme that I will be happy to sit in for hours on end, but one that will grow with the kid.

I know it will all work out, but in the meantime, I've got to trade in my grumpy pants for some happy pants. Here's a pic of what makes me happy and makes all the madness worth it.

Tidbits

2009-03-20T08:11:00.000-07:00

- It is sunny right now, makes me happy.

- Abigail's opthalmalogist swears she has green eyes, not blue.

- I've popped. People can actually tell I'm pregnant.

- Abigail gave the baby belly a hug yesterday, Autumn wanted to thump it.

- I am looking forward to the warm summer sun.

- A little less than 5 weeks before the ultrasound.

- I like the new show "Kings". I hope it doesn't get cancelled.

-I choose not to burden you with my negativity today.

A Hug or a Headlock?

Doing the Good-bye Dance

Abigail and Her Kindergarten BFF in Circus Attire

So Much, So Little Time

2009-03-13T14:27:00.000-07:00

Well, it's actually been quite busy around here. No time + no motivation = no blogging. I'm still loving the career and the unit, but am hating school. Nothing new, so I won't bore you with the rant.

I had my monthly appointment with my midwife on Monday. Up 8 pounds, which is far more than I've ever gained this early in a pregancy. But, I started out lighter than other pregnancies, so I will likely still top out at the 159 mark come delivery time. Guess my body just wants to hit a certain max, regardless of how much I weigh at the beginning. Definitely feeling little kicks. No one else can yet, but they're there. Almost 17 weeks.

My friends have gone through all the old wives tales to figure out if it's a boy or a girl. I think it's still split down the middle. I like to eat savory and sweet. The heart rate is 140. The chinese gender calendar is ambiguous. Several have had gut feelings that it's a boy. We'll just have to wait the 5.5 weeks to find out. And, my ridiculous baby boy streak has been broken. A nurse at work is having a girl.

Abigail's kindergarten class put on a circus today. Sadly, I had class, but Brian and Autumn attended and took pictures. They rode bikes, did gymnastics, told jokes and did magic tricks. There was even a "strong man" that picked up a very "heavy" styrofoam barbell. Wish I'd been there. The kids charged money; 10 cents for kids/$1 for adults; to help them practice counting money. Then they are going to use the proceeds to adopt a sea turtle to mirror their lesson about the life cycle of the leatherback sea turtle.

Autumn is getting very good at writing her ones and Ts, wowing her teachers with her mad writing skills.

We're gearing the kids up for bunk beds in the next month and a half or so and Brian is still plugging away at the job hunt. I'm confident everything will work out, but until I have confirmation of that I will be wicked stressed. Watch out. My tolerance and patience for anything beyond my immediate family or the NICU babies is absolutely zero.

Spring Break

2009-03-04T09:31:00.000-08:00

It's Spring Break for me, but this snow certainly doesn't make it feel very Springy. I have been able to catch up on clinical hours and some papers; if I can just keep up my momentum. A neighbor invited Abigail out to go sledding on Monday and she had a blast. (I was sleeping off night shift and Brian has a cold, so I am very greatful that she got to enjoy the snow).

We are all adjusting to the new routine. We cut Autumn's daycare down by 70%, so she is getting used to spending more time at home. I am trying to relearn how to juggle my time. Brian is on kid duty, but I still feel torn between wanting to help out, yet still having a lot of school work to do that prevents me from helping out.

Despite all the chaos and stress, I know that when I hear my kids giggle and see them playing together the rest just doesn't matter. That is also probably why I'm taking the time blog about the newest edition every week. It guarantees me one moment to forget about the economy and focus on the future...when I will have earning power and Brian will have a job and we will be able to see all five faces in our family smiling.

Look at me, I can suck my thumb already!

I still fit in my prepregnancy jeans, but after wearing them every day for a week, I decided I needed to pull out the maternity clothes to give myself some variety. Seems funny when I don't feel big enough to need them yet, but I guess maybe I do. The bones are all formed and should be hardening up over the next couple of weeks. I still get some flutters, but I'm looking for those big kicks that say, "don't forget about me in here!" We've got seven more weeks until the ultrasound and I won't even begin to guess if it's a boy or a girl. I will say this...my baby boy count is up to 17! I will either perpetuate this trend or break it (very intuitivue of me, right?). Can't wait to find out. Regardless of a boy or a girl, I still want to do a nerdy nursery. Science is fun for a boy or a girl!

All of My Babies

2009-02-25T16:48:00.000-08:00

Well, I've noticed that the cell-phone sized fetus has been been getting an disproportionate amount of air time. I will now attempt the game of "Even-Steven", which I know to be impossible to achieve and should not be strived for on a daily basis. More likely, it will all even out in the wash.

Abigail has certainly grown up into a smart and creative young lady. During our weekend visit with the Great Aunts and Great Grandma, Abigail led craft-time. She prepped supplies at the house and taught all of the Aunts how to make origami sea-turtles.

And, we just swung by the local mall where the area elementary schools had the children's artwork on display. I imagined every child got to post an art project, but I was pleasantly proven wrong. Maybe 50 kids from each school got their art displayed and Abigail was one of them. Looks like she's a budding Picasso.

Autumn has learned a whole bunch of new words lately. Just this weekend, she tackled "she", "g-ramma", "g-rampa", "green" and "broccoli". This is huge for us. Being able to understand Autumn goes a long way to keeping everyone sane. She's still headstrong, but at least I understand what she's so grumpy about, even if I don't agree.

This littlest one is still locked up on the inside. Last week I was not hungry, but never felt full. It was a horrible feeling. Nothing was satisfying. At least for today, that feeling has gone away. I don't feel hungry and I feel full. Maybe it was the peanut butter. I haven't eaten peanut butter since the last big Peter Pan PB recall 2 years ago. I now I jump back in during a salmonella outbreak. Go figure. Here's a pic of what the little one might look like; wrinkly and old man-ish.

Belated Update

2009-02-20T06:41:00.000-08:00

Well, this week has been busy juggling school and icy weather and stomach flu and head colds... At first I couldn't figure out why I hadn't posted, but I suppose that explains it. I have to admit, I am SO ready for spring. While living in New England sipping tea in front of a warm fire seems so romantic, the reality is I would likely become bitter from being in a constant state of hypothermia. Just the very idea of spring this year brings me hope. Warmer sunny weather that begs you to spend more time outside, the hope of a traditional pickup in the housing market that will overflow to increase hiring in other jobs, birthdays, stroller walks, flowers blooming....Just get here already!

Clinical was awesome this week. Crazy busy, but learned so much. When my preceptor introduced me to the mom of my patient, the mom said that she had heard great things about me the day before. It was nice to hear that people are talking up what a good job I'm doing even when I'm not around.

The baby bump is progressing. Still wearing everyday clothes, so passersby probably just think I'm fat and out of shape. I don't really care because I know better. I even think I've felt a few little kicks this week. I have to be very still and they are very subtle, but they are definitely there. It's nice to have something so fun to distract me from the stressors of everyday life. I have also found that while I am not hungry all of the time, I am never full. This stinks because I like to feel satisfied after a good meal. This does not bode well for my weight gain. The baby has all of its tooth buds, is secreting insulin, and is refining that GI tract. Go villi and peristalsis.

How cool is this picture, a 13 week fetus with an red artsy hue.

The Elfish Gene

2009-02-10T06:37:00.001-08:00

Brian has a book review published on SciFi Wire (which was so awesome it needed very few edits). Check it out.
http://scifiwire.com/2009/02/a-trainspotting-like-addiction-to-dd-rules-the-elfish-gene.php

Hello Second Trimester

2009-02-09T07:33:00.000-08:00

Well, I had my second appointment today and all is well. My midwife could feel my fundus (top of the uterus for most folks), which was no surprise to me since every time I lay on my stomach I can feel it. I'm up 3 pounds (which is a lot for me for the first trimester, but totally in the realm of normal and I'm sure some would say I should be thankful). Baby's heart rate sounds good and it's an active little fetus. Every time we found the heart beat it would bounce away. I didn't realize you can hear the blood flow of the placenta, but you can and it sounded just the way it's suppose to. It was high up, so I imagine this is a good sign that placenta previa won't be an issue. Lab work came back with a thumbs up and they are already working on scheduling the 22 week ultrasound (just 10 weeks away!).

I have a feeling this pregnancy is going to fly by. I feel like it was just yesterday that I hoping the pregnancy would make it to my first appointment at 8 weeks. I am trying to take the time to enjoy each day of this pregnancy, but it's hard when you don't feel particularly pregnant. I'm not tired or morning sick. I can still wear my everyday jeans. Hopefully I feel some kicks in the next few weeks, then there will be no way to "forget" that I'm pregnant. Just putting this to paper makes it so exciting. Life is really busy right now and we have more than our share of stresses, but this baby is my little reminder of hope and peace and happiness. I have my family and my health and that is what is most important.

P.S. The baby is drinking amniotic fluid and peeing it out. Go kidneys. Here's a picture of what the baby may look like. It's like it's sleeping in a puffy amniotic cloud.

A Little Behind

2009-02-05T14:33:00.000-08:00

Well, I was trying to post at the beginning of each week, but am now 11.5 weeks and just now have an opportunity to post. It's been a busy week of school work and feeling unmotivated to do school work (that can consume a lot of time).

I am back on the broccoli. There seemed to be one specific store brand that sent me running, but when I switched back to my usual brand broccoli became De-Licious again. At one point food seemed less than appealing, almost as if I'd been offered sheep's brains. I wasn't going to run for the toilet, but it did make my stomach turn. At any rate, food is fun again. I feel a little bad. Everyone I talk to has it much worse in the morning sickness department. I'm not even that tired this time around. So far it has mimicked Autumn's pregnancy, but I don't believe for a minute that the similarities are suggestive of another girl. I don't believe in gut feelings, the ultrasound will tell us in time.

I've got another appointment on Monday and will officially have completed my first trimester. Now we'll just have to wait and see when I have to expand to maternity clothes. Still loving my jeans for now.

Here's a little pic of what the fetus (not an embryo anymore) could look like. A little alienish, but cool digits.

More Than You Ever Wanted to Know About Car Seat Safety

2009-02-01T13:31:00.000-08:00

So, I was catching up with a good friend this morning. We're both expecting our thirds about the same time. Our oldests are the same age and our second children were born just a month a part. The conversation turned toward whether our infant car seats we got 6 years ago were still up to snuff.

Now, when it comes to car seat safety, I am neurotic. Both of my kids outgrew the height limit on the infant carrier around 9 months old. I don't think most mom's even consider the height limit and use their carriers until their kids is a year old or they get too heavy for it. The good news is that they make infant carriers to hold children up to 32" now, instead of 29" like they did when my kids were "tiny". Which brings me to the reason why we will be buying a new infant carrier (and convertible car seat).

Car seats expire! That's right folks, after about 6 years, the plastic dries and the no-seeum parts can no longer be trusted to be reliable. And that is 6 years from the date of manufacture, not the date you bought the item. So, I checked the infant seat and it expired last August. Still need to take the convertible car seat out of the car to find the hidden info (really, if they want people to maintain a safe car seat, this info should be readily accessible). Given that we bought this seat when Abigail was 9 months old and she will be almost 6.5 years old when baby #3 arrives, I can just assume that the car seat needs to be tossed. Just as well, since we need a sleeker seat for Autumn to fit 3 car seats across the back.

And this last bit is a little lecturey. The above info most of us are clueless about, but this tidbit I am sure we are all aware. The five point harness is an awesome invention, but often used improperly. The plastic bar should rest just under the collar bones between the shoulder blades. No one ever puts it above because you would be seriously choking your tot, but I've seen many moms put it below the ribs because they don't want it to be too tight. In an accident, this will force the stomach to absorb the impact and will cause a lot of damage. Post all sorts of nasties in the comments section, but when it comes to safety I am not interested in making friends, just keeping the little ones safe.

I don't know about you, but I definitely learned something new today and am now on a mission to find new car seats.

Here is a wiki link, but I found it several places. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_safety_seat#General_child_safety_seat_info

Oh, To Be a Stress-Free 10 Week Fetus Again.

2009-01-27T16:20:00.000-08:00

I can not believe I posted yesterday. Seems like a lifetime ago. County schools were closed and felt totally unmotivated (and honestly had no time) to get any school work work done. I feel overwhelmed with clinical hours that I can not seem to complete because of scheduling, assignments I can not begin because they are not clearly explained or we have not covered the material enough for me to have a clue, wishing I could see the future and know that Brian would have X job making Y money by Z date, and feeling helpless to contribute beyond clipping coupons and conserving electricity. Enough of the woe is me crap.

This is week 10 for my embryo (soon to be fetus by the end of the week). Here's what the littlest murph looks like, in theory.

I'm recovering from a bit of a GI illness that hit over the weekend. Now I'm not sure if it's moved on and I just feel yucky pregnancy hormones, or if a bit of it is lingering. Hard to say. Just ordered some pregnancy scrubs online. I'm sure I could have just bought scrubs one size up, but I do not feel like fighting with drawstring pants that slip every time you move. Took forever to find a site that wasn't going to cost me as much in shipping as it was to buy the pants. Can you believe this town employs thousands of nurses and their is only one store that offers a piddly selection of scrubs? not a single one being of the maternity variety?

(blogspot refuses to let a line break appear here)

Well, I won't hear about my new job until at least the end February. I'm optimistic because I've talked to every NICU manager I can find at the hospital and made it very clear that I am qualified and eager to be on their unit. Of course, given the economy, even nurses are losing jobs. The NICU brought in 11 people last year and will only be budgeting for 4-6 this year. Hospital-wide, people are holding off on elective procedures because they can't afford them. Fewer people are having kids because of financial concerns (I don't blame them, kids are expensive), therefore fewer end up on the NICU. The world is a very, very connected place.

Fat Suit

2009-01-26T05:34:00.000-08:00

Today is my first interview for a new graduate nurse position. Don't get too excited, I do not plan are beginning my career until January 2010, but they like you to interview early. Crazy, I know. Last night I was getting myself organized, laying out my clothes for the interview and clinical that I am doing back-to-back. Tried on my favorite suit...yep..a bit snug. Tried on my second favorite suit...not gonna happen. Seriously?! I flip through my business clothes and I can not find my fat suit. I have an old, suit that has a stretch waist band. I know, you are cringing. Finally I found it and that is the suit I am wearing right now. At least it's a suit and it's not like I'm ever going to have to wear a suit to work. Frankly, I think you should be able to interview in clothes similar to what you will be wearing every day, but the game dictates otherwise. Wish me and my fat suit good luck on our interview. Then it's 8 hours of clinical. And I'm trying to get over a GI bug that has been plaguing me all weekend. It's going to be a long day.

No More Tests

2009-01-22T06:04:00.000-08:00

Well, it turns out my prediction last semester was correct. I have no tests this semester, just papers and presentations (technically, I have three quizzes, but they are take home, open note...really just confused homework assignments). No tests are my worst nightmare, but I'll get through it. It takes me far less time to prepare for an exam that it does for me to write something.

So, I had my last test yesterday. It was a comprehensive exam that was very much like the Nursing Boards I will have to take this fall. In theory, if you do well on the practice exam, you will pass your boards. It also lets you know what areas you are weak in to help you study. Let's just say I passed that practice exam with flying colors. That was my last exam for nursing school.

Woo Hoo!

Post 100

2009-01-20T06:27:00.000-08:00

I figure the 100th blog entry is a milestone. Go me.

I was just catching up on my emails and learned that my baby is the size of a grape, has all its organs, and is getting its teeth. Don't bite me. I remember doing following along with my first pregnancy. Every week I was excited to learn that the baby could now hear or the baby was getting its eyelashes. Particularly when you can't feel it kick, it's a fun way to stay connected. Don't get me wrong, I did this with my second pregnancy, as well, but it hadn't been that long and I was trying to keep up with a two year old. This time around, I know it will be my last and the girls play together so nicely that I get the breaks I need.

9 Week Fetus

My biggest concern is about the new change in family dynamic. The girls play awesomely together, they are close enough in age that they like mostly the same things, they can both play board games and ride bikes. I do try to foster a good relationship between them, but at the end of the day I know it is their choice to be friends and not just sisters. Once this third one arrives, I will again go through great lengths to ensure each child has their space and individuality and provide them the opportunities to get along nicely, but in the end it is all up to them. Really, there is no sense worrying. This small concern is nothing compared to the big happiness I will feel when I get to meet the new baby. Just 31 more weeks to go.

After an exhausting weekend, I am pleased to announce that I still love the NICU. I feel very comfortable in that environment and can not wait to get paid for it. The one thing I don't look forward to is standing on my feet for 12 hours when I'm 7 months pregnant. I suppose other nurses do it all the time, but it still doesn't sound like fun. I never had any swelling during my other pregnancies, but I am attempting to avoid lower leg edema by wearing compression hose during shifts to promote circulation. My midwife recommended 25 mm Hg, but I think I will have to start out with a lighter compression, it took me ten minutes to put those things on the other night!

At any rate, a toast to 100 posts. Here's to 100 more.

Happy Inaguration Day!!!!!!!

Bye, Bye Broccoli

2009-01-16T13:46:00.000-08:00

Seems the baby has fallen out of favor with broccoli...too sweet. I know, weird stuff happens when you're pregnant.

The semester has started off in shear chaos. I think after the first couple of week, the schedule will be more predictable and I'll feel more in my comfort zone. I was hoping to start clinical next week, but because of my personal schedule and my class schedule and my preceptors' schedule, I will be jumping in with two overnight shifts this weekend. I try to keep weekends family time as much as possible. Plus, I prefer to avoid single parenting scenarios when we pay a good deal of money in childcare. I have every confidence in Brian being single dad (I wouldn't have gotten this far in the program if I didn't), I just prefer we share the job whenever possible.

Scheduling stress aside, I am really excited to get back into the NICU. It was only my second clinical ever and I am very excited to revisit it with all the new skills and confidence I've acquired since then. Admittedly, I'm a litte intimidated, but I know I can do it. I'll resurface next week, I hope.

The Excitement Never Ends

2009-01-12T14:53:00.000-08:00

So, it's still early, but I'm breaking my silence. I'm horrible at keeping secrets and am shocked I was able to hold out for as long as I could. Brian and I will be welcoming baby Murph #3 at the end of August (given my history, beginning of September is entirely anticipated). Today we met my new midwife and I just love her. Very forthcoming with all of her stats and very nurturing, not too granola, and the only midwife left in town delivering in a hospital. She is not into sonograms, but given the pressures from the medical community and the desire of many mom's to know the gender, she is open to them. We'll have one around 22 weeks to get good images of the heart.

I am 8 weeks and 1 day, which means I have an aversion to just about every food (except broccoli), I look like I've gained 5 pounds of holiday weight (but have probably lost weight), and seem to be burping an awful lot (didn't have this with the first two....not too fond of it). I've been a little anxious about this pregnancy for no logical reason at all. Statistics do not put you in danger or safety, nor does knowing many friends who have had miscarriages put me at a higher (or lower) chance of having one myself. But, after today's visit I am comfortable announcing the pregnancy.

The midwife was kind enough to humor me and listen for a heartbeat (not typically heard via doppler until 10-12 weeks gestation). I told her I wouldn't read anything into it if I didn't hear anything, but if we could try and I heard a heartbeat I would be reassured. So, she tried...and tried....and tried. We heard my pulse..whoosh.............whoosh...........whoosh, like waves crashing on the shore. And then, like a distant train..choo..choo..choo..choo..whoosh..choo..choo..choo...

I have to say, it was the coolest sound, increased my odds this pregnancy is a keeper, and kept me on cloud nine all day. Now, we'll just to see if I am the lucky lady to break the baby boy trend or if we will need to learn to like a color other than pink.

Exciting News!

2009-01-05T08:49:00.000-08:00

I just got my capstone placement for Spring and Summer semesters and I get to be in the NICU!!! I've met my preceptor before and she is awesome. I can not wait to finally delve into a unit and area of nursing that I really enjoy. I am so happy that I got what I asked for.

Could 2009 be full of the good stuff? It's off to a promising start.

Awesomenest

2009-01-03T09:51:00.000-08:00

My friend just pointed out to me this morning that once the semester starts, I will be done with school in 6.5 months. Well, when you put it that way!!!! Frankly, school is low on my list of concerns. Just fast foward me a couple of months and hopefully jobs will be secured and our other worries will melt away.

Today the weather is beautiful. The girls and I had a playdate this morning. Maybe we'll go kick the soccer ball around or play a little baseball this afternoon. Must take advantage of a beautiful day and wear those little ladies out.

A Fresh Start

2009-01-01T07:34:00.001-08:00

Well, 2008 ended on a sour note for the Murphy family, but that's not to say the whole year was a bust. I am 2/3 of the way done with school. Abigail started Kindergarten, learned how to swim, learned to eat a cheeseburger, and is an excellent reader. Autumn learned how to talk (mostly), she is potty-trained (a diaper-free home!), and she graduated out of the crib to a twin bed. Brian and I enjoyed an anniversary vacation complete with winery tours. Both of our cars are paid off and only required minor repairs. We still love our home and enjoy that it's brand-newness means no repairs. We certainly can't complain that gas prices went down (I won't even think about our retirement account or home value that are surely reduced to pennies). Our final thrill of 2008 is that Autumn learned how to have quiet time in the morning. Even though the girls wake up at 6 most days, they play quietly together in their rooms until their tummies insist we wake up around 7:30. While the job loss and hard drive crash have overshadowed the goodness of 2008 in the 11th hour, we do have a lot more than most, we have our home, our health and our family. I guess all in all, 2008 just continued to remind us that it's the little things in life that are most important and that it's a good time to get rid of the excess and keep it simple.

I could focus on the negative, but I choose not to. I have a lot to be thankful for.

I wish everyone a healthy, happy, and fulfilling 2009!

Relaxing

2008-12-27T05:31:00.000-08:00

Christmas was a delight. The girls were crazy monkeys all day, but I think they enjoyed it. They were back to normal yesterday, thank goodness. We enjoyed presents, family, and the joy of the season. Even sitting here now, I hear the girls reminding each other "Santa is watching". Too cute. They have spent hours playing with their toys and each other upstairs in their "house". It is just a lot of fun. Here are a couple of pictures.

Abigail opening a gift.

BatGirl

Books with our names in them

Pillow Storybooks

My own LeapPad

Snow Queen

Me and Brian

I'll Give it a Whirl

2008-12-24T05:24:00.001-08:00

I am very excited about Christmas tomorrow. The tree is beautiful and the girls are excited. We've enjoyed several gatherings and gift exchanges. Now it's time to cozy up at home and watch the joyous events unfold. I have made it my mission to blissfully ignore reality for the week and have enjoyed reading and playing during my vacation. Reality will slowly resurface next week and then be back full force starting the 5th. Until then, may I pass along all of my holiday cheer and relaxation. You've earned it.

Not Feeling Bloggy

2008-12-16T12:22:00.000-08:00

Being done with the semester, I am indulging in more non-computery type leisure activities. I've read a novel and a half, baked cookies, wrapped presents, cleaned....you get my point. Not that my days aren't eventful, I am just not inspired to document them for my tiny handful of groupies. I'm sure to post as we indulge in exciting holiday festivities, but I make no promises.

Happy Holidays to All and a Happy New Year.

Brief Overview of Badness

2008-12-12T05:23:00.000-08:00

Brian blogged this in more detail on his blog www.heromaker.net, so I will be brief. Don't feel like investing anymore time on it.

1) Brian got laid off. We have money coming in through late winter, but it still sucks.
2) Brian's hard drive crashed, as did the backup hard drive.
3) We had to buy a new computer (fancy enough to finish off the job that he is being laid off from).
4) Got a bad grade on my Epi final and the teacher is slow to respond (rather I'm impatient).

So, Brian has had his job for 8 years. It allows him to work from home. He gets to meet Abigail at the bus every afternoon and chat over snack time. There is always someone home if an appliance needs to be repaired. And the best, Brian and I get to enjoy lunch dates and morning coffee. BUT, I am optimistic that there is enough time for us to find something new, and not just any old job, a great job.

As for my stinking bad grade, I never trust online exams. Not because they can't be reliable, but because they haven't been reliable during this program. I aced that final, so I have a lot digging to do to figure out what went wrong. Did she post another student's grade, did the computer stop accepting answers after a certain point. Who knows. Tired of having to be so proactive just to get shit done.

Cutie Pies

2008-12-06T18:05:00.000-08:00

Every year there is an annual Gingerbread House competition in town. We go and see the talented gingerbread artist and the girls visit with Santa. No mall lines, no fees to take pictures, just getting a mom and pop shot of your kid chatting it up with Santa.

Last week we made our own "gingerbread" house out of rice krispie treats. Honestly, there was no time for me to bake, all the premade kits are manufactured with nuts, and rice krispies are quick and very maleable. I did the names, but the girls did the rest...it was messy and it was a lot of fun.

A Delicious Work in Progress

The Final Product

Signed, Abigail and Autumn (in pink, of course)

After going to visit Santa today, we asked Abigial what she thought of Santa Claus. She said, "He has a really long beard. He's a cutie pie. I want to marry him." It's just never who I imagined she'd end up with. Both the girls were so excited to see him and Mrs. Claus. As soon as we left Autumn said, "I miss Santa Claus." Here are some pics of the girls with the cutie pie.

Abigail and Santa Claus

Autumn and Santa in Matching Outfits

And, the ultimate cutie pie was seen when the girls got to meet their newest cousin (whom they believe would make a great stocking stuffer). Autumn was a little afraid, you would have thought she was in the room with a dog. She warmed up to him, but was too nervous to "hold" him (hence the leaping from my lap in the pic).

Abigail and Quinn

Autumn Taking a Curious Look While Brian Holds His Nephew

Autumn, myself, my BIL (the proud papa), Quinn, and Abigail

Back to Work

2008-12-04T05:44:00.000-08:00

I enjoyed my unexpected mini-vacation, but now it's time to get my nose back in the books.

But first, here's a picture of my new nephew. Quinn Bernard Murphy was born yesterday to two amazing and proud parents, Kevin and Grier. And an extra star for Grier for giving birth sans medication. She had an amazing support system and deserves a big long nap.

Quinn and Uncle Brian

And now I should pay attention to lecture or clean up my presentation for next class. Decisions, decisions.

Talk About Vacation

2008-11-30T10:00:00.000-08:00

I am notoriously a bad vacationer. It takes me almost the entire time to relax and defer my responsibilities. I am quite surprised, and pleased, that I have totally indulged during this vacation. I've blown of my ethics final for days and don't really feel guilty about it. I've decorated the house, but done no cleaning. I've played with the kids, had a West Wing marathon with Brian, the only thing I've cooked was for Thanksgiving, and I even took a 3 hour nap yesterday. Tomorrow's going to be a harsh reality putting the nose back to the grindstone, but it's only for 10 more days. Hopefully I can be just as relaxed and indulgent on my 1 month winter break from school. Good-bye stress monkey, hello sleepy sloth.

Make That 13!

2008-11-25T16:44:00.000-08:00

I just got a birth announcement in the mail of a super-duper cute baby boy born to an old coworker. She always wanted to be a mom and now she has a girl and a boy. Congratulations go out to the growing family!

I dare you to be the first one to break the baby boy streak.

I double dog dare you.