In the last week, I've become acutely aware of the bonds that bind people together. Family relationships seem to turn up in every movie or show I watch. It's delved into in books I read and even the Olympics. With the economic downturn and Brian officially hitting the unemployed-for-one-year mark, I've really had time to reprioritize the important things in life. While life can be overwhelming at times and I feel as if my closets might explode with enough clothes to open a girl's boutique, I am thankful for all that I do have. A car or a house that would comfortably fit our family of five would be nice, but far from necessary. At least we have a car (or two) and cozy home.
It all makes me pause to reflect on my own relationships, or lack thereof, depending on which one we're talking about. The tricky thing about relationships is that it requires both parties to participate to be successful. No matter how much I pour into some, the efforts are moot if they are not accepted or recipricated.
It probably doesn't help that I grew up a military brat and have become very comfortable moving on. We moved every year and a half or two. Sometimes we'd get to stay somewhere three whole years! I became an excellent pen pal. But, as soon as the pal stopped writing, I dropped my efforts like a bad habit and never thought twice about it. Don't get me wrong, I'd write a few extra notes in hope of getting a response, but there was no way I was going to cling to a relationship for a year and get nothing in return. If you look at my employment history, it may reveal this to be a character trait I apply to many facets of my life.
It's something that I want to get better at. I see the bonds others have. Relationships that they grew up with. Cousins that were playmates and best friends. A family friend that was like a second parent. Family gatherings that are relaxing and a time to revel in similarities, instead of highlighting what divides us. There are some people I have known my entire life, yet I know very little about them.
I know it's not just me. I have a great relationship with my husband and kids. I hope to be like a second mom to my kids' friends. I want to be the go-to house in the neighborhood, even if it means spending double at the grocery store every month. At least I know I'll be putting in the effort on my end of the line. Life is an interesting evolution that hopefully leads to flourishing relationships, not extinction.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Trying to Find the Balance
It's been a crazy couple of weeks, but that's nothing new. But that's the problem. I have been trying my darndest to accept the chaos as my new norm. It certainly doesn't seem like life is going to settle out any time soon, so how do I find my comfort zone again?
Work has been emotional and in the last two weeks I could tack on a sequel to "Adventures in Pumping" entitled " Physiological Needs: Work is So Crazy-Busy There is No Time to Eat, Pee or Pump". Throw in a snow storm, school closed for two weeks, more or less and I'm all out of wack. I thrive on routines and structure and I'm clawing my way up the mountain in hopes of finding them at the top.
I know it isn't just me. The kids are learning to find a new balance with me gone at work and not around to do little things only mommy can do. Brian is also trying to find his new balance with the extra responsibilities .The kids are having fun with all the little things only daddy can do. But I miss the balance. I miss having time to get the house organized and clean. I miss having time to relax with a book; holding a list with everything marked off. Maybe that's just the new norm with three kids, including a newborn, a full-time job, and the innate need to be a control-freak.
From now on, I suppose I just have to gently remind myself that I can only do so much, not everyone's needs need to be met by me, and the snow will melt eventually. Until then, maybe I'll just keep the closet doors closed a little tighter to hide the clutter. No one else seems to be bothered by it, so why should I.
Wish me luck
Work has been emotional and in the last two weeks I could tack on a sequel to "Adventures in Pumping" entitled " Physiological Needs: Work is So Crazy-Busy There is No Time to Eat, Pee or Pump". Throw in a snow storm, school closed for two weeks, more or less and I'm all out of wack. I thrive on routines and structure and I'm clawing my way up the mountain in hopes of finding them at the top.
I know it isn't just me. The kids are learning to find a new balance with me gone at work and not around to do little things only mommy can do. Brian is also trying to find his new balance with the extra responsibilities .The kids are having fun with all the little things only daddy can do. But I miss the balance. I miss having time to get the house organized and clean. I miss having time to relax with a book; holding a list with everything marked off. Maybe that's just the new norm with three kids, including a newborn, a full-time job, and the innate need to be a control-freak.
From now on, I suppose I just have to gently remind myself that I can only do so much, not everyone's needs need to be met by me, and the snow will melt eventually. Until then, maybe I'll just keep the closet doors closed a little tighter to hide the clutter. No one else seems to be bothered by it, so why should I.
Wish me luck
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Adventures in Pumping and other Short Stories
Well, it seems my life of late can be summed up through my escapades in pumping. Let's start from the beginning, shall we.
It all began with stockpiling about 32 oz. of milk in the freezer to cover my first day away from the baby. That 32 oz. took weeks to accumulate.
So, it's off to work I go. I can not tell you how many times I have forgotten my pump tubing at home or in the pump room. I'm surprised I can remember minute patient details, but when it comes to collecting up all my gear my brain goes on vacation. I swear I will have to wean this child because I can't afford to keep buying new tubing, not because either one of us wants to quit.
Then one day, a couple of weeks ago, I stole a break only to find the pumping room completely full. I'm thrilled we have so many breastfeeding moms on the unit. Damn. This sends me into Plan B. I'll rush one floor up to the pump room accessible to anyone not in the NICU. It's a little crammed and too upholstered for my taste (IMPO, everything in a pump room should be able to be wiped down. Fabric chairs with milk splattered stains are just gross). But, at least it has a sink and some pumps. Come to find out it is closed until further notice. Double damn. I follow the signs that lead me to some makeshift pump rooms. These are a couple of empty offices with no locks on the doors. I do find a sign to tape to the door indicating the room is 'in use' and hope no one walks in. While this Plan C is roomier than Plan B, there are no wipes to clean off the equipment, let alone a sink to rinse things off. Double gross. My breasts are just relieved to be relieved.
A week or so later, my husband calls me at work to inform me of a loud banging sound in the walls. Turns out a pipe near the water plant has burst and our whole community is without water. Thank goodness it back on when I get home to shower on day 1. I wash bottles in the sink and organize myself for the next day. When I get home on day 2, I find out that we should be boiling our water until further notice. Really? So, now I have to wash bottles in nasty water at home and again in fresh water when I get to work. Thank goodness that only lasted about 4 days.
Then I run into an old classmate and have a little discussion about 'breast is best'. I am totally fine with formula. I fed my first child formula because she failed to thrive and she's no worse for the wear. But, breast milk is free and I like it, so that's what we're doing for this little lady. I bring this up because he was under the impression that pumping was no big deal. Do it at the beginning of the day and your good to go, right? It's no fault of is own. He doesn't have kids or breasts. But for the record, it is no small effort every 3 hours for 15 minutes.
Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but yet another blizzard. We were even lucky enough to lose power for 12 hours or so. While no power is making me colder, it is making my super stash of frozen breast milk warmer. After a couple of hours of now power, I packed up my supply and stuck it in the snow. No way was I letting all of that hard work go to waste.
Needless to say, the weather and finicky utilities have made my days "off" very busy. I look forward to warm days that don't require tacking 10 extra minutes to my commute or for getting my kids out the door in their endless layers. I look forward to my breaks at work being time that I actually get to catch up with coworkers or grab a snack instead of extracting a meal for my baby. I look forward to the day that all of the housework is caught up and I can actually spend uniterrupted hours reading or resting. One day.
It all began with stockpiling about 32 oz. of milk in the freezer to cover my first day away from the baby. That 32 oz. took weeks to accumulate.
So, it's off to work I go. I can not tell you how many times I have forgotten my pump tubing at home or in the pump room. I'm surprised I can remember minute patient details, but when it comes to collecting up all my gear my brain goes on vacation. I swear I will have to wean this child because I can't afford to keep buying new tubing, not because either one of us wants to quit.
Then one day, a couple of weeks ago, I stole a break only to find the pumping room completely full. I'm thrilled we have so many breastfeeding moms on the unit. Damn. This sends me into Plan B. I'll rush one floor up to the pump room accessible to anyone not in the NICU. It's a little crammed and too upholstered for my taste (IMPO, everything in a pump room should be able to be wiped down. Fabric chairs with milk splattered stains are just gross). But, at least it has a sink and some pumps. Come to find out it is closed until further notice. Double damn. I follow the signs that lead me to some makeshift pump rooms. These are a couple of empty offices with no locks on the doors. I do find a sign to tape to the door indicating the room is 'in use' and hope no one walks in. While this Plan C is roomier than Plan B, there are no wipes to clean off the equipment, let alone a sink to rinse things off. Double gross. My breasts are just relieved to be relieved.
A week or so later, my husband calls me at work to inform me of a loud banging sound in the walls. Turns out a pipe near the water plant has burst and our whole community is without water. Thank goodness it back on when I get home to shower on day 1. I wash bottles in the sink and organize myself for the next day. When I get home on day 2, I find out that we should be boiling our water until further notice. Really? So, now I have to wash bottles in nasty water at home and again in fresh water when I get to work. Thank goodness that only lasted about 4 days.
Then I run into an old classmate and have a little discussion about 'breast is best'. I am totally fine with formula. I fed my first child formula because she failed to thrive and she's no worse for the wear. But, breast milk is free and I like it, so that's what we're doing for this little lady. I bring this up because he was under the impression that pumping was no big deal. Do it at the beginning of the day and your good to go, right? It's no fault of is own. He doesn't have kids or breasts. But for the record, it is no small effort every 3 hours for 15 minutes.
Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but yet another blizzard. We were even lucky enough to lose power for 12 hours or so. While no power is making me colder, it is making my super stash of frozen breast milk warmer. After a couple of hours of now power, I packed up my supply and stuck it in the snow. No way was I letting all of that hard work go to waste.
Needless to say, the weather and finicky utilities have made my days "off" very busy. I look forward to warm days that don't require tacking 10 extra minutes to my commute or for getting my kids out the door in their endless layers. I look forward to my breaks at work being time that I actually get to catch up with coworkers or grab a snack instead of extracting a meal for my baby. I look forward to the day that all of the housework is caught up and I can actually spend uniterrupted hours reading or resting. One day.
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