Lost Art of Common Courtesy

It's something that's been niggling at the back of my mind for months. I finally have the time and desire to get it off my chest.

In the grand scheme of things, I would consider myself a fairly liberal person. I suppose some may not agree. I am not bothered by tattoos and piercings, but I do think derriere cleavage should be covered up (especially at work). I make my kids say "please" and "thank-you", but forget "sir" and "ma'am". I don't go around dropping the F-bomb, but I am not offended in the least if you do (nor do I think your IQ is lacking because you choose not to come up with another word in the English language).

However, I find that my peers have become to slack in common courtesy. For starter, passive aggressive innuendos on Facebook. While Facebook is a social network, you have probably friended your family and coworkers of which these subtle jabs are aimed at and to which one would relate to in a more formal way than a BFF. It does not take a genius to figure out who you are talking about. In the past it was considered rude to air your dirty laundry in public, now the realms of public feel blurry. FB is most definitely public (as indicated by the 500+ nearest and dearest you have friended). But, it seems harmless enough to write a sentence or two as a status update.

I also find the hospital a very unique habitat. It is a job, but it is intimate in a way most professional jobs will never be. You learn details about people that they would never consider telling their friends or family. On the one hand, I view my coworkers as colleagues. I share a professional relationship with them and would appreciate the same in return. When a nurse rants to me during report about how she can not believe that "they" aren't managing the patient's pain well or finds the patient's care provided by "them" unacceptable, I can't help but be a little hurt. It is said in a way to point the finger at the "medical team", but doesn't that include me? How is it that some healthcare workers find it so acceptable to bad mouth the other members of the team when they are just as responsible for ensuring good patient care. Or maybe I would just rather someone take the time to collaborate to understand why the plan is the way it is before judging my skills. I suppose this may be no different than other jobs where you complain about the boss, but I find it frustrating that there seems to be a lack of common courtesy/professionalism in this environment. Maybe I just need to accept that after you watch someone die together you assume the relationship has a deeper tie than just professional. That you need to freely express every emotion that comes to your head as a means to cope with the intensity.

Is it just me? Am I only only one who thinks everyone should follow the Golden Rule? A little tolerance? Maybe I am more conservative than I think. After all, I think it is important to have a good work ethic, to put your kids to bed early so that they can be rested and well-behaved, and to treat my fellow humans the same way I would like to be treated...with kindness, respect, and common courtesy.

Holiday Letter

I didn't get around to writing a holiday letter this year. So, I'm going to post one here instead.

Let's start at the very beginning, shall we...

2010 started with me doing my nursing residency in the NICU at UVA. Let's just say juggling a breastfeeding 4 month old, a 4 year old, a 6 year old, a new job, and long hours left everyone a bit overwhelmed. Despite the stress of Brian still looking for a job during this time, it gave me great peace to know that the kids were at home with their daddy. Now that the year is coming to an end, I am proud of my accomplishments and love my job.

Bridget has shown her true personality. She loves to sleep and insists on doing things when she feels ready and not a moment sooner. We got our first glimpse when we tried to introduce the bottle. She fought it for two weeks, but eventually accepted her new reality. Then she decided to take her own sweet time learning to crawl. I think she was finally motivated around 9 months to pick her belly up off the ground and make a real effort. She still isn't walking, even though she's 15 months old, but she will when she's ready. I think it's because she sleeps 16 hours a day (and I certainly won't complain about that). She loves to giggle and is the most easy going, snuggly baby I've met. It's been a joy having her in our family.

Autumn and Abigail got to go to the beach with my in-laws this summer and spent lots of time at the pool. They just loved it. Abigail is learning to love the water (and get her face wet) and Autumn is full of enthusiasm. Neither are little fish in the water, but their excitement makes up for it.

Autumn started Pre-K and loves it. She has learned to write her name and is very excited to learn how to read. She is at such a fun age. She loves to help mom with chores and cooking and anything else to be more "grown up". She has made a great big sister to Bridget.

Abigail attended Irish Camp this summer and learned to dance, sing, play the tin whistle and speak some Celtic. It was fun seeing all of her accomplishments. She is an avid reader, currently devouring both the Ramona series and Diary of a Wimpy Kid. She is a die hard Star Wars fan and is beginning to assert herself as an independent individual. She's torn between wanting to just be a kid and play with dolls and wanting to have the right haircut and outfit. It has been fun to see her grow into a young lady this year.

Brian found work at a local magazine this fall. He jokes that at home he is surrounded by ladies and at the office he is surrounded by ladies. We definitely need to work on infusing some more testosterone into his life in the coming year. We are very thankful that he has steady employment. While this has meant lots of schedule and daycare juggling, these are definitely more ideal problems than not having work. Brian has been the best dad to our three little girls. On days that I work he gets the kids dressed and off to school, goes to work, picks the kids up, bathes them, feeds them, does homework and tucks them into bed. He wins the award for "Best Dad and Husband of the Year".

We know there are still many out there looking for work and losing their homes. We are very thankful to be ending 2010 on a high note. We have what we need, we have our health, we have each other and we have each of you to support us and fill our lives with happiness. May the new year bring each of you joy, health, and memories to last a lifetime.

Love, Brian, Kerri, Abigail, Autumn, and Bridget

Thank You, Brian

I am writing from my brand spanking new Mac Book Pro. I am so excited. It's so pretty, it runs really fast, and it's all mine. I know Brian and I had discussed waiting until after the refi, but I am so happy we went ahead and bought it. I still need to figure out the keyboard shortcuts and a few other things, but WOO HOO for me.

On the Verge of Wellness

I seems that since Brian started his job, it's been one illness after another around here. I will not complain about juggling of schedules or acquring of illness, since neither one would be an issue if he were unemployed.

We have encountered many happy milestones since Brian started work. Autumn has turned 5. I can not believe how growup my kids are getting. They are so sweet and fun. Bridget is crawling like a big girl and loves to give you kisses. Still no walking or talking, but she's plump and juicy and cuteness to die for. Abigail has become a really good reader. Devouring the Ramona series, Diary of a Wimpy kid, and acquiring quite an affinity for Mythbusters. Looks like we have a budding scientist on our hands.

At work I encounter people from a variety of backgrounds. This always helps me keep my families challenges in perspective. They may not have been easy, but they were conquerable. The best is yet to come.

I have been working off of PC that is on it's very last leg. The battery lasts all of 5 minutes, it takes eons to boot up, and something is eating up most of the memory. This makes me grumpy every time I sit down at it. But, this too will pass. After we close on our refinance this week, I will be in the market for a shiny new Mac. Hopefully that will have me blogging again in no time. Until then, I will leave you with a few pics.

We're Back Baby!!!!!

Life is always busy. Let's face it, you think to yourself 'I'll get to that when things are less busy, back to normal', yet that moment never seems to arrive. That's because there is no such thing as normal, this is life. It's chaotic at times, emotional, and a lot fun. If you wait for it to slow down, you are going to miss the train altogether. So here is a quick list of what has been keeping me busy of late.

1) BRIAN GOT A JOB!!!!! I cried, I am ecstatic, I am overwhelmed and overjoyed. He is the editor at Ivy Publishing. For any of you locals keeping up, that's Albemarle Family Magazine and the C-ville Welcome Book. I can not describe how life changing this is for us. Probably just as life changing as the day we found he lost his job, but I much prefer the change for the better.

2) Bridget started daycare. :( Today was her first day. To her credit, she did really good for her first day away from us. She didn't cry, but she didn't eat or sleep either. When she saw me, she sobbed, jammed her thumb in her mouth and put her head of my shoulder. I don't think she would have let me go if she hadn't been so happy to see her crib at home.

3) Abigail starts 2nd grade in two days. She is nervous about the new teacher, new classmates, and the unexpected in general. I have no doubt she will be adjusted by the end of the week.

4) Autumn has started doing daycare all day. She was a little nervous about it (which seems silly since it's the same classroom she's been doing half days in for the last year). She's doing great and gets to move up to Pre-K in the next week or two.

5) My dad's heart gave out on him. He's got a pacemaker and defibrillator to help it along, plus a slew of meds. We're just happy that they were able to manage things for the time being.

6) It is annual review time on my unit. This requires self-evaluations and peer reviews. It also happens to be the same time my evidence-based practice project is due for my nursing residency program and my portfolio is due. I will likely be busy at work on all of it on Wednesday while the kids are at their respective schools.

7) I'm in party planning mode for Bridget's first birthday. I am too overwhelmed to do much more than a quiet family affair. I had grand plans of pairing the birthday party with a 'Brian has a job' celebration, but I think I will have to defer the latter to a time when I can really devote the time and energy it deserves.

8)We are going to hire someone to clean this house. I can not wait. Our house is tidy and clean, but it needs a good scour and I'm not up for it. I can not wait to hand over some hard earned dollars and get a sparkling shower and dust-free furniture out of it.

9)And in case you hadn't put two and two together, I don't have to work overtime anymore (unless I feel like it or want to buy myself something pretty). I can't wait to see what a normal schedule feels like.

My life is far from perfect, but if sure does feel pretty darn close. I feel like I've returned to the land of the living. We can entertain thoughts of new furniture or a new car. We can sign the kids up for dance classes and do all the things that "normal" families get to do. I feel like I've resurfaced and the air is so sweet. I am excited to see what this new phase of our life brings us. I am having a blast watching my kids grow up and am so proud of all that Brian has accomplished. I've got my family. What more do you need?

An Assortment

It seems it's been so long since I've blogged that they've changed the sign in process. I couldn't get any of my go-to passwords to work. Had to completely reset them. Goodness. Guess I should be more bloggy.

I've started to get into the swing of summer. I've accepted that while I may not to be the one to do all the fun stuff with the kids (pesky job); the kids are having an awesome summer so far. Trips to the beach with Gramma and Grandpa, the local water park, BBQs, fireworks, library trips, swimming, picnics, park days, sprinkler fun, and ice cream. Really, as a kid, what more could you want.

Now that I'm off orientation, I've been working lots of hours. The overtime pay is pretty sweet and I'm really starting to feel pretty proficient at my job. At the very least, I know that I am an asset to the unit. Picking up short shifts, taking heavy assignments. I've still got lots to learn, but it is nice to settle in. I still don't feel like I belong on night shift. Maybe it's the bleary eyes or personal insecurities or maybe it's just because I don't like it. I don't have a choice about being a rotator right now, so I'm going to make the most of it. Weekend night pay!

Bridget is on the verge of crawling. I can not believe that my other two were walking by 10/11 months. Bridget is 10 months old and doesn't even crawl. Believe me, I'm enjoying this pace. The no teeth thing is weirding me out, too, though. They may all be girls, but they couldn't be more different.

Ok, I thought I would write more and have it be more cohesive, but the girls are being crazy monkeys and I don't get to see them enough as it is. I can't promise to blog again any time soon, so I hope you enjoy your summer! I know we will.

What Can You Do?

I've not felt very bloggy lately. What can I say. My computer is abysmally slow, the battery last for 30 minutes before it dies and there just hasn't been much new to say. I'm kind of still hunkering down in survival mode. Getting used to the new job and juggling daily life. I've also been weepy because Bridget is weaning earlier than I had hoped. I've been struggling for a couple of months. She's eaten through all of the reserve milk and we started supplementing with formula. I know it' was a good 9 months and no one else cares, but I do. It makes me sad. I enjoyed it and, despite the stress, it was a way to keep doing something for her even when I was away at work. But, she had her 9 month appointment today and has plummeted on the growth charts. We've offered her bigger bottles and supplements and she has been refusing them the last few months. It looks like she's finally willing to up the volume this last week, but we'll have to check back in with the doc in a month or two to be sure it's stuck. I'm sure it's nothing, but still doesn't feel good to know that your kid didn't get any taller or put on much weight. As a baby, that's kind of your job. What else do you have to tackle besides eating, pooping, sleeping and growing.

I can not believe tomorrow is Abigail's last day of first grade. The year has simply flown by. She is getting to be so grown up. She has certainly acquired an entirely new wardrobe with all the newfound height. She's getting so big, I'm almost not strong enough to carry her anymore. She is awesome.

Autumn has been trying to get over a little cold the last few weeks. It just seems to be lingering. She and her big sister like to play school. Abby is currently teaching her the letters of the alphabet and math. It's really cute and handy to have a big sib encouraging her little sibling along.

Now if only I can get both of the girls to ride their bikes and swim indepently by the end of summer. It's good to have goals.

The Holiday Season

I know Thanksgiving and Christmas come to mind for most when they hear holiday season. In this house, May 4-June 25 is our second holiday season. We have, so far, celebrated Abigial's 7th birthday and Mother's Day. We still have my birthday, Brian's birthday and Father's Day to go. This year graduation and the end of orientation are thrown in for good measure. I have decided to not walk at graduation. Too anti-climactic, since I graduated last August and I'd just like to have one less thing to do. Point is moot now since I am working that weekend.

The last few weeks have been fun. Abigail celebrated her birthday Star Wars Legos style. For pics of the action you can check out Brian's blog (mightyshamrock.livejournal.com). Then I enjoyed the most decadent Mother's Day. Brian raises the bar every year and fears the year he won't be able to live up to his reputation. Nonsense. He will always out do himself. The celebration started when I got home from work to find sidewalk chalk all over the driveway shouting "Happy Mother's Day". Despite the hopes to sleep in, a 6:30 phone call from work woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep. Scheduling snafu, figures. Since we were up, Brian grabbed me a delicious venti decaf skinny vanilla latte (yes, I'm one of those). He made pancakes, three kinds, presented an assortment of blueberry syrups, some pink donuts, and a blueberry scone...oh, and some turkey sausage. Do you feel like you need to go for a run yet?

But the celebrating didn't stop then. My mom and dad came down for a visit and we made seafood macaroni and cheese with a side of grilled peppers and asparagus. At this point, you should definitely go for a run because I'm going to need help working it all off.

I topped off the day by watching New Moon (one of the many gifts from Brian). Have no fear, Brian didn't steal the show. Autumn gave me a poem, a flower made from her handprints, and a potted plant (which I'm sure to kill by next week). Abigail also gave me a lima bean plant (black thumb here) and a poem she wrote by herself (special attention to line 6...it cracks me up):

I love my Mom!

Ask me why.

Because she is beautiful.

Because she is a great cook.

Because she is a nice nurse.

Because she has a smart husband.

Because she has three smiling children.

Becuase, Because, Because,

That's why I love my Mom!

Bridget couldn't make a poem or plant a flower, but she is scooting around backwards, demanding food with a pound of her little hand, and is pretty good at drinking water from a sippy cup.

I couldn't be more pround to be a mom and a wife. I am excited to celebrate another birthday and mark off another milestone in my new career as a nurse. If you are wondering why this entry is so long, it's because there just isn't time to spread the news out. It's all or nothing. I'm glad I've got it all.

The Saga Continues

You know, every time I think I've gotten into a routine again, life decides I need things shaken up a bit. The last post was all sunshine and roses. Not that life is a pile of garbage right now, but I certainly don't smell daisy fresh.

Bridget has been having eating issues. This has led to a decreased milk supply which has led to omitting solids and me taking fenugreek, alfalfa, and blessed thistle, feeding the baby every 2 hours around the clock which has led to a baby that doesn't want to sleep through the night anymore which has led to a very sleepy mom and dad. I'm pretty sure my milk is back up. I'll be able to quantify it on Monday when I work, but hopefully all the extreme measures have paid off. If not, I think I will have to throw in the hat and give this kid formula. I am not a breast-only crazy woman, but 1) I really don't want to spend money on formula, 2) I enjoy breastfeeding. Even when I'm stressed over finding time to pump at work, I find it is a way to stay connected to my family and keep things in perspective, 3) I just need to feel like I have control over something.

After buying a new TV for the one that pooped out on us unexpectedly last month, we have since had the pleasure of paying to have our A/C repaired and a new set of tires put on the VUE. No control.

And now I'm in the thick of birthday season. It's nice to balance all the craziness with something fun. I can not believe my oldest is going to be 7 years old! I also can not believe that I will be hosting my second Star Wars party, this year with a Legos twist. I was all ready to make a cool cake, but for the third year in a row she wants birthday brownies. More specifically, Bossk Brownies topped with Darth Vader Dark Chocolate Sundaes. Who am I to argue. At least it's nice to be in control of something again. Wish us luck for party success.

Loving Light and Life

I am back on days and loving every daylight minute of it. I know I will have to do my fair share of nights, but I really am a dayshift person. At the end of the month, I just found I didn't click with anyone on nights. They are all friendly enough, just no one I could relate to. I also found the culture to be so different from days. I'd rather spend my down time at work talking about ways to improve the unit or better understand the pathophysiology of one of my patients, rather than surf the web.

But the best part is feeling awake. I've been having fun hanging out with the kids. I went to the gym last week and tried a Body Pump class. Every muscle in my arms and legs is throbbing. It's awesome.

Bridget is 7 months old today. I can not believe how quickly the time has passed. She is just adorable. She's still a plump little cupcake. She can roll, but isn't overly motivated to so very often. She can hold herself up a little, but seems pretty content to just lay like broccoli. She doesn't have teeth yet, but it's all fine by me. She will achieve her milestones when she is good and ready to. On the plus side, she is quite a sleeper. We put her to bed last night at 6 pm and she didn't wake up untill 9:30 this morning! She woke once halfway through for a snack and that was it. I don't know what we did to deserve such an easygoing niblet.

Autumn is so funny and downright gorgeous. You can't tell me your not jealous of that hair? She giggles over everything. She's getting more confident in herself, but is more than happy to snuggle up on my lap.

Abigail is smart. Getting a little too smart for her britches. She learned that plasma was the fourth state of matter when she was watching a Star Wars Technology show on the history channel. They discussed that it could only be found in stars. The timing was apropos, considering they were just learning about states of matter in school. She told everyone she ran into about plasma. I'm glad that she still thinks learning is cool and fun.

This warm and sunny weather certainly has given me a more optimistic outlook than my life deserves right now. We're still holding out hope for Brian to find steady work in the immediate future, but we are handling it all well. I'd even go so far as to say we are beyond merely surviving. We live a little and actually like it.

sorry peeps. the plan was to have pics of the whole family, but posting pics with blogspot sucks. they were all uploaded after two attempts, then they wouldn't drag to the right spots, then i think i accidentally deleted one. enjoy what did get posted. i guess that's what FB is for.

The Difference is Night and Day

So, I've been MIA for a bit because I've been working night shift. I was originally going to post my opinions after the first week, but I thought it best to give it some time before expressing my impression.

Honestly, it's not so bad...but I don't love it. The first week I must have had a rush of adrenaline because I didn't feel tired at all. After having three weeks under my belt, and one to go, it's really catching up wtih me. Even as I type this, my brain is fuzzy and finding it difficult to form a sentence. This is even after I got 9 hours of sleep last night.

Sleep aside, there are a lot of differences between working day shift and night shift. It's not that one is better than the other, they are just different. There are many factors that go into working one over the other...money, personality, work-life balance, needs of the unit, etc...

Here is what I have discovered so far:


There are fewer interruptions at night. For the most part, once you organize what needs to be done with your patients, very little changes. You may have to juggle an emergency or an admission, but you don't have meds being adjusted, PT swinging by, eye exams or families milling around for half the shift.

Night shift is a tight crew. They are definitely proud to be working nights and wouldn't have it any other way. No doubt, you have to know your stuff working nights. The docs go to sleep and it really forces you to employ all your skills before waking them to intervene.


Night shifters are night owls. They find ways to survive and thrive on ridiculously small amounts of sleep. They seem to enjoy not having the docs milling around. Great pride is taken in getting the bed tidy and making the babies all fresh and clean. They must be hiding an extra set of hands because I don't seem to have enough to weigh a baby and change linens for a baby on an oscillator all by myself. This is surely a skill that I will aquire with time.


Day shift is full of activity, verging on chaos. Rounds are in the mornings, adjustments are made to the plan of care, speech swings by to teach a baby to feed, PT works on positioning and body movements, education provides developmentally appropriate stimulation, plus emergencies, admissions and discharges. Drips/lines are changed steriley resulting in a tangled mess of spaghetti. Of course fluids never arrive early enough and this is done when you are trying to organize everything just before change of shift. Nurses step in and out for committee meetings or classes.

Day shifters have to be early birds. They are up before dawn, but don't get home until after their young kids are in bed.

So, after my time on both, I am decidely a day shifter. I like the activity. I like being a part of rounds, contributing to the plan of care, and gaining an understanding of my patients current diagnoses. I like being available for committee meetings and contributing to the changing practices on the unit. I like collaborating with all the disciplines on the unit. I do miss seeing the kids on the days I work. I leave the house at 6 AM and don't get home until 8:30. It's tough, but on my days off, I am full of energy. I get to see my husband and have a little down time, even on days that I work.

Somehow, Blogger timed out and I lost half my post 2 days ago. I've been working on this post for 3 days between interruptions, deletions and sleepiness. At this point, I'm just hoping the thoughts here are coherrent.

Being on night shift, I feel hungover, dehydrated and downright fuzzy headed ALL the time. The first week wasn't so bad. I thought, "hey, I can do this". The second week was tough, but I bounced back. The third week hit me like a mac truck and dragged me along for a few miles. I will start week four tonight. I think this will send me over the edge. Luckily, I am dayshift starting Friday. I know I will have to rotate onto nights after orientation, but I likely won't have to do it for a month at a time. Just a week or two in a row, every 6 weeks. That, I can manage. Of course, I am not above taking on more night shifts to make extra bank in the event we have not aquired a second source of predictable income. Brian has really been keeping us afloat with his freelance work, but it's so unreliable I view it more like bonus money, than income.

While it's great to see the kids more, I don't feel like I'm entirely present in the experience. I don't have the energy to suggest creative things or make the efforts to take them to the pool (knowing that I will be begging and pleading with them to get their faces wet the entire time). I get to see my husband, but it's surrounded by the usual hustle and bustle of homework/bath/and dinnertime for the kids. And forget getting a moment to myself. I've resorted to bringing my laptop upstairs with me when I go to bed to steal a quick glance at my email and cnn.com. I also don't think I make decisions as quickly on night shift. The brain is slow and sleepy. But, heck, the extra money is nice. And, I can park right next to the hospital instead of catching the bus.

At the end of the day (or night), I will just make do with whatever I have to work. It's income and it's a job I love. There are a lot of people who don't get to say that. Maybe it's not ideal, but it is my reality for now. I've just got to get myself through Wednesday at 7:30 AM. I think I can, I think I can.

Whip It...Into Shape

The last couple of years I've spent anxiously awaiting the next milestone to acquire things that I want. Such as, we'll go on a nice vacation when I'm done with grad school or we'll replace our broken televisions once Brian gets a more consistent source of income. I keep putting more kitchen seating on the back burner waiting for the day that I don't have to deliberate if it's an appropriate time to buy something. This blog is me saying I could wait until the cows come home for those material things. But, there is something I bought that just could not wait any longer.

I signed the whole family up for a gym membership. Despite my belief that the gym is overpriced, I really can't place a price tag on my health and fitness. Exercise is my meditation. It makes me more relaxed, content, and better able to handle all the rest of it. Not only is it good for my mental and physical health, I think it's good for the whole family. Brian gets a much happier and svelte wife. The girls get to see their parents leading a healthy lifestyle that they will hopefully acquire themselves.

I was at the gym yesterday and today painting an idyllic picture in my head of how life changing this could be. For starters, the gym has built in babysitting services for up to 2 hours a day. That's more than enough time for me to get in a workout or a steam or yoga class or a coffee. No more juggling who or when the kids will be watched so that I can get a 30 minute walk in around the neighborhood. Autumn loves the play area. She can crawl through tunnels, play with dolls, paint pictures, or run into her buddies. The jury is still out if Abigail likes it. Since she's older, she has access to a gym with basketballs, moon bounce, Wii, DDR, dolls, coloring, PlayStation... I have to give her credit today for being tossed into a room full of strangers, the boys outnumbered the girls 5:1, and she had a good time. I would have been petrified of that scenario as a kid. Heck, that terrifies me now. But she is agreeable and sociable and able to find a friend wherever she goes. I haven't gotten up the courage to leave Bridget yet, but even she is old enough to partake in the excitement.

Yesterday, I was watching people walk around the indoor track. On a Friday afternoon at 3, there was a large majority of people over the age of 60. Something about seeing so much activity was inspiring. There was a business man in his suit and sneakers walking. There was an elderly man curling free weights while balanced on a Bosu board. There was one grandmother there with her grandsons. The boys were all of 4 and 7. They were running around the track, while the grandmother kept pace with them. It was sweet to see the older generations pass along something good to the little ones.

There is are three saltwater pools and a hot tub. Between me, Brian, and the Kid Zone, we should be able to juggle the kids enough to teach them to swim. Brian is an excellent swim instructor and hopefully he can get both of the big kids swimming by end of summer. Bridget can even get a taste of the warm water pool.

The basketball courts have family hours where they lower the hoops so that the kids have a chance at making a shot. Our girls are pretty tall. Maybe we can plant the seed for sports early. At the very least, give them the opportunity to explore what they might be good at. They even have group classes for kids 7 and up, including a karate fit class.

I know reality isn't as rosy as the picture I am painting, but I feel great about getting back into the gym. I just want to feel stronger again and take advantage off the things my body can accomplish, if I just push myself to try.

A Blog Exclusive

The Many Faces of Autumn

Sweet

Silly

Super Silly

What do you mean I won't take a pacifier?

Sisterly Love

Please Be Kind, Rewind

Some people have favorite books that they read over and over again. I have never felt compelled to reread a book. No matter how good they are, I bore of knowing what the next page holds. But, I can watch certain movies dozens of times, finding them just as engaging as the first time I watched them. I learn them word for word. Depending on the movie, I am overcome with nostalgia or catharsis or comfort or elation. It all began with the Sound of Music when I was 10. I never could figure out how to solve a problem like Maria. I loved that movie so much, I tried to convince my husband to name our daughters Gretel or Marta. Who could watch that movie and not want a little Gretel of their own?

I added many to my list over the years.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun - I was twelve. My best friend and I would reenact the dance tryouts sequence. What were we thinking.

The Little Mermaid - I watched this over and over again in high school. Guess I was trying to hold onto my childhood just a little while longer.

Secret Admirer, The Princess Bride and The Breakfast Club- I actually suckered my brother into watching these with me. Every weekend we'd settle in for a late night viewing. When I met Brian, I was shocked that he had never seen The Breakfast Club. This movie is also the reason why I could never name our daughter Claire. It's a fat girls name. Maybe not presently fat, but destined to be fat.

The Fisher King- This is, by far, one of Robin Williams best films. The acting was superb.

The Cutting Edge - Who can forget Toe Pick? And, seriously, this is really just a dance movie on ice.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves- I had this soundtrack on tape (I know, I'm that old). I listened to it every night when I went to bed. I could literally visualize each scene as I heard the notes.

The Crow and Dazed and Confused- Two constants my freshman year of college. I found myself an optimist surrounded my close group of pessimists. Not sure what they saw in me, but the experience was intense and unforgettable. I also learned to drink that year. Have a swig every time they say 'dude' and you'll be well on your way.

Titanic and Good Will Hunting- These came out right after I'd had my heart broken for the first time. The passion and emotion reminded me of my own labile feelings.

Ever After - adding another period piece to my repertoire.

Bring It On and Center Stage- Adding to my love of all things dance movies. Step Up 2: the Streets is of equal measure, but yet to be added to my DVD library. Maybe it 's because I never had dance lessons as a kid or my love of dance music. These just make me want to shake it.

Pride and Prejudice- (Matthew McFayden and Keira Knightley version) I'm watching this one as I type. The music is lovely. Just watching this movie makes me feel full of love and contented. All the stresses of life just melt away.

I am curious to know what new movies I will add over the years. Will my children find these films painfully dated and drab? What movies are your Watch-Rewind-Repeat list?

Evolution of Relationships

In the last week, I've become acutely aware of the bonds that bind people together. Family relationships seem to turn up in every movie or show I watch. It's delved into in books I read and even the Olympics. With the economic downturn and Brian officially hitting the unemployed-for-one-year mark, I've really had time to reprioritize the important things in life. While life can be overwhelming at times and I feel as if my closets might explode with enough clothes to open a girl's boutique, I am thankful for all that I do have. A car or a house that would comfortably fit our family of five would be nice, but far from necessary. At least we have a car (or two) and cozy home.

It all makes me pause to reflect on my own relationships, or lack thereof, depending on which one we're talking about. The tricky thing about relationships is that it requires both parties to participate to be successful. No matter how much I pour into some, the efforts are moot if they are not accepted or recipricated.

It probably doesn't help that I grew up a military brat and have become very comfortable moving on. We moved every year and a half or two. Sometimes we'd get to stay somewhere three whole years! I became an excellent pen pal. But, as soon as the pal stopped writing, I dropped my efforts like a bad habit and never thought twice about it. Don't get me wrong, I'd write a few extra notes in hope of getting a response, but there was no way I was going to cling to a relationship for a year and get nothing in return. If you look at my employment history, it may reveal this to be a character trait I apply to many facets of my life.

It's something that I want to get better at. I see the bonds others have. Relationships that they grew up with. Cousins that were playmates and best friends. A family friend that was like a second parent. Family gatherings that are relaxing and a time to revel in similarities, instead of highlighting what divides us. There are some people I have known my entire life, yet I know very little about them.

I know it's not just me. I have a great relationship with my husband and kids. I hope to be like a second mom to my kids' friends. I want to be the go-to house in the neighborhood, even if it means spending double at the grocery store every month. At least I know I'll be putting in the effort on my end of the line. Life is an interesting evolution that hopefully leads to flourishing relationships, not extinction.

Trying to Find the Balance

It's been a crazy couple of weeks, but that's nothing new. But that's the problem. I have been trying my darndest to accept the chaos as my new norm. It certainly doesn't seem like life is going to settle out any time soon, so how do I find my comfort zone again?

Work has been emotional and in the last two weeks I could tack on a sequel to "Adventures in Pumping" entitled " Physiological Needs: Work is So Crazy-Busy There is No Time to Eat, Pee or Pump". Throw in a snow storm, school closed for two weeks, more or less and I'm all out of wack. I thrive on routines and structure and I'm clawing my way up the mountain in hopes of finding them at the top.

I know it isn't just me. The kids are learning to find a new balance with me gone at work and not around to do little things only mommy can do. Brian is also trying to find his new balance with the extra responsibilities .The kids are having fun with all the little things only daddy can do. But I miss the balance. I miss having time to get the house organized and clean. I miss having time to relax with a book; holding a list with everything marked off. Maybe that's just the new norm with three kids, including a newborn, a full-time job, and the innate need to be a control-freak.

From now on, I suppose I just have to gently remind myself that I can only do so much, not everyone's needs need to be met by me, and the snow will melt eventually. Until then, maybe I'll just keep the closet doors closed a little tighter to hide the clutter. No one else seems to be bothered by it, so why should I.

Wish me luck

Adventures in Pumping and other Short Stories

Well, it seems my life of late can be summed up through my escapades in pumping. Let's start from the beginning, shall we.

It all began with stockpiling about 32 oz. of milk in the freezer to cover my first day away from the baby. That 32 oz. took weeks to accumulate.

So, it's off to work I go. I can not tell you how many times I have forgotten my pump tubing at home or in the pump room. I'm surprised I can remember minute patient details, but when it comes to collecting up all my gear my brain goes on vacation. I swear I will have to wean this child because I can't afford to keep buying new tubing, not because either one of us wants to quit.

Then one day, a couple of weeks ago, I stole a break only to find the pumping room completely full. I'm thrilled we have so many breastfeeding moms on the unit. Damn. This sends me into Plan B. I'll rush one floor up to the pump room accessible to anyone not in the NICU. It's a little crammed and too upholstered for my taste (IMPO, everything in a pump room should be able to be wiped down. Fabric chairs with milk splattered stains are just gross). But, at least it has a sink and some pumps. Come to find out it is closed until further notice. Double damn. I follow the signs that lead me to some makeshift pump rooms. These are a couple of empty offices with no locks on the doors. I do find a sign to tape to the door indicating the room is 'in use' and hope no one walks in. While this Plan C is roomier than Plan B, there are no wipes to clean off the equipment, let alone a sink to rinse things off. Double gross. My breasts are just relieved to be relieved.

A week or so later, my husband calls me at work to inform me of a loud banging sound in the walls. Turns out a pipe near the water plant has burst and our whole community is without water. Thank goodness it back on when I get home to shower on day 1. I wash bottles in the sink and organize myself for the next day. When I get home on day 2, I find out that we should be boiling our water until further notice. Really? So, now I have to wash bottles in nasty water at home and again in fresh water when I get to work. Thank goodness that only lasted about 4 days.

Then I run into an old classmate and have a little discussion about 'breast is best'. I am totally fine with formula. I fed my first child formula because she failed to thrive and she's no worse for the wear. But, breast milk is free and I like it, so that's what we're doing for this little lady. I bring this up because he was under the impression that pumping was no big deal. Do it at the beginning of the day and your good to go, right? It's no fault of is own. He doesn't have kids or breasts. But for the record, it is no small effort every 3 hours for 15 minutes.

Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but yet another blizzard. We were even lucky enough to lose power for 12 hours or so. While no power is making me colder, it is making my super stash of frozen breast milk warmer. After a couple of hours of now power, I packed up my supply and stuck it in the snow. No way was I letting all of that hard work go to waste.

Needless to say, the weather and finicky utilities have made my days "off" very busy. I look forward to warm days that don't require tacking 10 extra minutes to my commute or for getting my kids out the door in their endless layers. I look forward to my breaks at work being time that I actually get to catch up with coworkers or grab a snack instead of extracting a meal for my baby. I look forward to the day that all of the housework is caught up and I can actually spend uniterrupted hours reading or resting. One day.

Pt Report

HPI: 33 YO G3P3 with exhaustion and fatigue througout the last year brought on by completion of grad school, pregnancy and childbirth, husband lost steady job 11 months ago, starting full-time work in December, and juggling household. Children ages 6, 4, and 4 months.

N: pt irritable at times. Difficult to relax and brain "never stops thinking". Increased anxiety related to sleep in fear of night feedings and fear of sleeping through alarm. Stressed over the need to get a handle on the children's toys overtaking the home. Temp- returning to normal after a bitter cold winter.

R: check

CV: in need of cardio workout to relieve stress and get fit. Meds: vitamins and calcium supplements. No caffeine.

GI/GU: insufficient intake to meet with demands of working and breastfeeding. Increased weight loss in the last month. However, pt reports eating too many cookies. Educate on healthy on eating.

SKIN: increased acne and paleness. Need to spend more time feeling the warm sun on skin.

SOCIAL: supportive husband and family. Interactions with friends has been less than desired due to blizzard, holidays and new work schedule. Pt looking forward to going out this weekend with a friend and settling into a routine in the near future.

Back to "Sleep"

Does anyones baby just love sleeping on their backs? I recall my nephew startling himself in his sleep as a newborn, arms and legs akimbo, then settling right back into a dreamland slumber without a peep. Although I have witnessed it, I have never had the pleasure of owning a kid that doesn't necessitate a snug swaddle, rocking, and seeing my mug every 2-3 hours around the clock. Would they have been better sleepers if I'd let them sleep with their butts up in the air like tiny turkeys?


Since going back to work, Bridget has become an increasingly finicky sleeper. She wants to be held, she doesn't want to be held, she cat naps, she won't let you put her down when she's awake without fussing. What happened to my chill, sleepy baby?

Returning to work has really illuminated how much we need to teach Bridget to sleep. After waking 5 times Sunday night and popping her eyes open every time you laid her down like a broken baby doll from days of yore, Brian decided it was time to cry it out and let her sleep on her belly.


Gasp. The horror. As a NICU nurse and a paranoid mom, I was conflicted. The rule in our home has been "once the baby can roll over on her own, she can sleep on her tummy." After all, I'm not going to stay awake all night just to flip her over. I understand the impact the Back-to-Sleep campaign has had on reducing SIDS. It's cut the rates in half. But half of what? You could reduce the incidence of something down from 2 in a million to 1 in a million and still accurately tout you have reduced it half. Frankly, I am not impressed.


The statistics are not as ridiculous as my example. The incidence of SIDS has been reduced from 1 in 1800 to 1 in 700 over the last 30 years (Dr. Kattwinkel is actually an attending on my unit), the same time parents were encouraged to put their babies to sleep on their backs. That is awesome news for all those babies who didn't die of SIDS, but suffocation rates have tripled (again with the vague...what does that statistic really mean). Having chatted with mom friends of newborns, I find co-sleeping to occur more and more. So, my question is this: which is more dangerous? co-sleeping or tummy sleeping?


In an ideal world, all babies would contentedly sleep for hours on their backs. They would not startle awake, they would not wake every 2 hours, they would not be raised by bleary-eyed, sleep deprived parents hunkered down in survival mode who are so exhausted it is all they can do to get through the day. We don't live in an ideal world. Parenting is about juggling and balancing and the big picture.


So what was I to do? Exist on 4 hours of chopped up sleep, wake up at 5:30 in the morning, spend twelve and a half hours attempting to provide safe care to preemie babies, then get home at 8:15 only to get 4 more choppy hours. I'm so sleep deprived and bombarded with new information at work that my brain is fuzzy and I'm on the verge of tears. So, I decided statistics be damned. I am too educated to believe that babies sleeping on their back is the only factor that has helped reduce the risk of SIDS. 30 years ago people smoked around their kids, cribs were full of bumpers and cushy blankets, babies were given rice cereal in bottles, and formula was what all the cool babies were drinking.


I will continue to hypocritically educate families to put their babies to sleep on their backs, since it is a factor we easily have control over. Much the same way fat medical professionals everywhere push heart healthy diets and exercise on their patients. But I will live on the edge and have confidence that Bridget will turn her head when the air gets stale.


As for Bridget, she slept from 8 pm last night and had to be woken up at 8:30 this morning to go to a doctors appointment. She only woke once at night to eat and I wonder how much longer she would have slept had I let her. When she is awake, she is so much happier and interactive. I'm happier and more interactive. I have patience for annoying kid behaviors (does anyone really feel relaxed when their kid whines or tells you their 30th knock-knock joke. I can only fake laugh so many times).


Thank you Brian, for teaching Bridget how to sleep. Bridget. Keep up the good work.